Showing posts with label brokenness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brokenness. Show all posts

21 May 2014

the stranger

This film is coming out next month - check out the trailer: http://www.thestrangerfilm.org/

I haven't seen it yet and can't recommend it or not, but the issues it raises are huge and close to my heart - immigration reform is needed terribly, and the church needs to lead in welcoming the stranger as we have been so radically welcomed by God.

You can read what God says about how we should treat the stranger here: http://evangelicalimmigrationtable.com/iwasastranger/

And check out this book for strong, wise, perceptive, and Biblical insights about immigration reform: http://www.amazon.com/Welcoming-Stranger-Justice-Compassion-Immigration/dp/0830833595

And then let's talk! Tell me what you think!

13 January 2013

how much happier

How much happier you would be, how much more of you there would be, if the hammer of a higher God could smash your small cosmos, scattering the stars like spangles, and leave you in the open, free like other men to look up as well as down!
-G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy

05 December 2012

hope

The kids don't love each other today. Understatement. They're saying in cold, deliberate voices "I'm going to kill you." (which is worse than screaming it)

It makes my heart fall to pieces. What do you do when they hate each other, when what God has done for them means nothing to them, when they're stubborn and irrational, when they're deliberately and spitefully cruel? What do you do when they can't see past the smog of their anger? When their sinful hearts crawl like nasty little monsters out of their mouths?



What does God do with us? Does he squeeze our jaws until apologies wheeze out as if from a dying organ? Does he turn up the radio and focus on waiting for the light to change?

I know it's not either of those options. He is neither aggressive nor passive. But I'm not sure how to mimic him. I know he is patient. I know he repeats truth to us, even when we refuse to listen. I know that even in our ugliest moments his love for us is steady. I know his heart breaks too.

So after a long conversation that got nowhere, I sit in the car, enveloped by dark rain, and pray. God, help me show you to them. We need you.



I come inside and start writing these words, and in the middle of the third paragraph, E walks in. He runs up to me and hugs me tight around my waist and says simply "Megan, I'm sorry I was mean to you, and I already apologized to her, too." And I'm weak in the knees at God's kindness, and at his reassurance that he is pursuing their hearts. I have great reason to hope.

28 July 2012

how to save a life

My mom linked me to this article recently, and I was surprised and impressed by it. It is noteworthy for its gentle, but unflinchingly honest, portrayal of the messiness of humans, even those who we idealize. I am the first to instinctively put survivors of oppression on a pedestal: noble, strong, exalted beacons of what humanity should be in the face of despicable evil. But the truth of who humans are is far more complicated.

This article tells the story of a fiery young Afghan woman who fled to the U.S. after suffering mutilation at the hands of her husband and in-laws. Her face was chosen to grace the cover of Time magazine, and she became an icon of oppressed Afghan women. But this story focuses not so much on Aesha, but on the caseworkers, counselors, and teachers who have poured their hearts into helping the young woman, and reveals that caring for a real person like Aesha is far more difficult, frustrating, messy, draining, and unglorious than we would like to think. I commend it to you.

http://www.cnn.com/interactive/2012/05/world/saving.aesha/?hpt=hp_c2

23 April 2012

the rowing endeth



Anne Sexton lived what seems like the archetypal life of an poet: a complex intertwining of great joy and great pain, creative genius, awards and accolades, depression, broken relationships, and mental illness. Her story, like that of so many artists, ended in suicide, maybe because she felt everything that happened to her intensely. She was described as being "like person with no skin, no protective layer, just a mass of exposed nerve cells, she felt every pain and could write it." Her poetry is all provocative, some because it's scandalous, and some because it incisively expresses universal human questions, fears, and hopes about what God is like.

Her last book before her death was entitled The Awful Rowing Toward God, and this is the last poem from that book. It's a raw account of a woman trying to make sense of her experience, and I'm struck by her unexpected hope in the goodness of God despite hurting so badly that she chose to die rather than endure it any longer. Of the few poems I've read, and the even fewer that I've understood, this is my favorite. Many thanks to Drs. Horne & Walters for first giving it to me.


The Rowing Endeth

I’m mooring my rowboat
at the dock of the island called God.
This dock is made in the shape of a fish
and there are many boats moored
at many different docks.
“It’s okay,” I say to myself,
with blisters that broke and healed
and broke and healed–
saving themselves over and over.
And salt sticking to my face and arms like
a glue-skin pocked with grains of tapioca.
I empty myself from my wooden boat
and onto the flesh of The Island.

“On with it!” he says and thus
we squat on the rocks by the sea
and play–can it be true–
a game of poker.
He calls me.
I win because I hold a royal straight flush.
He wins because He holds five aces.
A wild card had been announced
but I had not heard it
being in such a state of awe
when He took out the cards and dealt.
As he plunks down His five aces
and I sit grinning at my royal flush,
He starts to laugh,
the laughter rolling like a hoop out of His mouth
and into mine,
and such laughter that He doubles right over me
laughing a Rejoice-Chorus at our two triumphs.
Then I laugh, the fishy dock laughs
the sea laughs. The Island laughs.
The Absurd laughs.

Dearest dealer,
I with my royal straight flush,
love you so for your wild card,
that untamable, eternal, gut-driven ha-ha
and lucky love.

26 February 2012

i am full

The group of women who disciple me every week say a lot of wise things. I'm so glad that they tell me the thoughts that they think so that I can think them too.

We've been reading through the book of Revelations and a few weeks ago Tiffany said something profoundly simple that made my heart tremble. First she read these words out loud:

Revelation 1:16 "In his [Jesus'] right hand he held seven stars, and out of his mouth came a sharp double-edged sword. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance."
Revelation 22:3b-5a "The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light."

Then she said this: if Jesus' face is brighter than the sun, his love must be more than enough to fill me. When Satan whispers that there are empty spaces in my heart that people need to fill, he is lying. I am full.

This screams like a megaphone into my life. I adore people so dearly that I often assume they are the ones to fill my heart. But that burden will suffocate our friendship. Our relationship is most alive, most free and vibrant and right when I receive my sustenance and value from the radiance of God's love, just as a tiny sprouting plant flourishes in the life-giving rays of the sun.

In Searching for God Knows What, Don Miller said:
“I think Jesus is saying, Look, you guys are running around like monkeys trying to get people to clap, but people are fallen, they are separated from God, so they have no idea what is good or bad, worthy to be judged or set free, beautiful or ugly to begin with...
Imagine how a man’s life would be if he trusted that he was loved by God. How he could interact with the poor and not show partiality, he could love his wife easily and not expect her to redeem him, he would be slow to anger because redemption was no longer at stake, he could be wise and giving with his money because money no longer represented points, he could give up on formulaic religion, knowing that checking stuff off a spiritual to-do list was a worthless pursuit, he would have confidence and the ability to laugh at himself, and he could love people without expecting anything in return. It would be quite beautiful, really...
Earthly love… is temporal and slight so that is has to be given again and again in order for us to feel any sense of security; but God’s love, God’s voice and presence, would instill our souls with such affirmation we would need nothing more and would cause us to love other people so much we would be willing to die for them.”

The inner struggle to rest my heart in this truth is reflected in this insight from Lewis (does it always come back to him?):
"The real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes [and lies] for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back, in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind. We can only do it for moments at first. But from those moments the new sort of life will be spreading through our system: because now we are letting Him work at the right part of us. It is the difference between paint which is merely laid on the surface, and a dye or stain which soaks right through."

I long for God's love to soak through my heart like a dye, utterly permeating and transforming it. For now I only see faint tinges of color, the first traces of sunrise.

17 July 2011

why am i here?

I am doing this internship because...

I have committed my life to God's passions.
God cares fiercely about the vulnerable and broken.
I want to proclaim the gospel by loving people in the darkest and scariest places of life.
Refugees exist, by their identity, in one of the darkest and scariest places of a broken, sinful world.
I love working with people, am fascinated by languages, and have an instinctive desire to understand international dynamics.

All of these things add up to make me think that maybe one of the places where God can use me really well for the service of his kingdom is in the field of refugee work. This internship is a first tentative step of faith. It is being faithful to what little vision God has given me. I pray often that if he can use me better elsewhere, that he would make that very clear to me. My heart has very strong, conflicting emotions about being here and doing this, especially because it means that I can't be present and invested in Kansas City, but I am relying on the steady, faithful wisdom of God to guide me.

If you take the time to pray for me, I would ask that you would pray this from the first chapter of Colossians: "We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light."

Thanks for reading, ya'll.

"Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms." 1 Peter 4:10

20 June 2011

another new city

Hi all! I'm in Seattle!!

I moved here last week to do an internship with an organization called World Relief: http://worldrelief.org/ They are an international humanitarian organization that does sweet work in a bunch of countries around the world, primarily through the local church. The organization also has offices in the U.S., and these offices focus on refugee resettlement, which is what I'll be learning the ins and outs of this summer.

Our refugees come from all over the world, but we have high concentrations from Burma, Bhutan, Iraq, Somalia, and Eritrea. They have all been persecuted, most to the point that their lives were in danger, for their ethnicity, religion, class, political position, or other aspect of their identity. They have all fled to another country, many congregating in refugee camps within which they often become prisoners. Very few ever succeed in being accepted for resettlement in the U.S. or another third country, less than one half of one percent, and that is after an average stay in a refugee camp of eighteen years.

When refugees are accepted by a government like the United States to come resettle within that country, they are connected with one of a few accepted agencies such as World Relief. WR and other resettlement agencies welcome the refugees when they arrive at the airport, set up host homes for their initial arrival, arrange apartments or houses for them and assist them with rent, orient them to the culture and the country, help them shop for groceries, help them learn public transit systems, teach them English, enroll their children in school, take them to the doctor and dentist, help them find employment, help them apply for social security cards, state IDs, medical insurance, benefits, etc., and try to welcome and connect them to their new community. The government only assists refugees for the first 1-3 months after their arrival, and agencies are typically able to offer services for 3-6 months, though we try to connect the families to volunteers who are willing to befriend them and followup with them for the long haul.

It's rough. These people don't necessarily dream of moving to the United States, but they are forced out of their homes by oppression, violence, and persecution. Many come here with no connections. Many leave family behind, even children or spouses. Many were farmers and have no transferable job skills. Many grew up in refugee camps and know no other life. Many know no English. Some have never even learned to read and write in their own language. Many have severe psychological trauma from the violence they have endured.

In light of all that, it's exciting and hope-giving to step into an organization like World Relief that cares about these vulnerable people deeply and strives to serve them with excellence.

So why am I doing this internship? That's another blog post entirely, but I'll try to make it soon. Until then, if you want to keep in touch, send a care package, write a postcard, look me up on Google Earth, etc., my contact info is:

1208 E. Smith St., Apt. 3
Kent, WA 98030

meganallynkennedy@gmail.com

skypename: megan_allyn

I love you guys.

Peace.



"When an alien lives with you in your land, do not mistreat him. The alien living with you must be treated as one of your native-born. Love him as yourself, for you were aliens in Egypt. I am the Lord your God." Leviticus 19:33-34

02 October 2010

is facebook killing your soul?

I picked up my new issue of Relevant recently (Heck yes, Relevant magazine. Don't judge me.) and as I scanned the front cover my eyes alighted on "IS FACEBOOK KILLING YOUR SOUL? p. 72"

I was so excited.

For those who haven't participated in this minor drama in my life, I am a non-Facebooker. (I really need to come up with a more interesting name for this phenomenon.) I have waffled and wavered, I've hemmed and hawed, I've even lied about it, promising friends "I'll get one at the end of the year..." or "I'll get one when I go overseas..." or "I'll get one when I graduate..." But they were all flat-out, if useful, lies.

I wrinkled the pages all up in my rush to get to page 72. The main argument was that Facebook changes the way we think and the way we perceive and interact in the real world as well as the cyber-world. The author explains it simply: "Our thinking patterns begin to mirror the things we use to think with." Some of the changes seem to be neutral, some not so good, and some just interesting. Consider these suggestions by the author:

We now think in webs rather than lines.
We value flexible, fast intuition over hard, slow, laborious rationality.
We prefer short, simple messages over lengthy, uninterrupted essays.

He also has some more concerning observations:

"While there is a little voyeurism, there is a lot of exhibitionism on Facebook... Voyeurism is what happens when you steal glimpses into people's lives they don't intend for you to see. The people I'm looking at want me to see everything I'm seeing. They want me to know what they're eating, wearing, feeling and thinking in each moment... Such exhibitionism has an unusual effect on us... We become fascinated by the image we project. It's like having a mirror on your desk or in your pocket. And every so often, you pull it out to gaze upon your own image. Perhaps you want to adjust your hair or find postures of the head to smooth out the double chin. This kind of regular self-inspection eventually gives rise to a subtle narcissism."

"We endlessly noodle, refine, create and consume a digital projection we want others to see. However, we are rarely what we project. This image approximates reality, but it is not reality... This is hardly new, of course. In any social situation, we seek to control the impression we give. The problem is that in real social settings, there are limits to what we can hide... Over enough time, [Facebook's] subtle effect creates a minor split in us. A split between who we are, and who we think we are. This tiny fracture may seem insignificant, but if we remain unconscious, it leads us away from a life of wholeness and integration."

And finally, Facebook (and Twitter) "begs me to step out of the stream of experience long enough to record it... This may seem insignificant. But our presence matters. Our brief but increasingly frequent moments of absence add up. Imagine a father who flickers in and out of a child's life every time he checks his iPhone. He might be there physically, but he may as well be at the office or on a business trip. People can feel our absence... It is a ghost-like condition. It diminishes one of God's greatest gifts to us- a body. There is a reason God made us with bodies. There is a reason God became a body in Jesus. The incarnation is about becoming a body to bless the world through physical presence in the lives of others. To hold the hand of those who grieve, to feed and clothe those who are poor, to love those who are alone by being with them. Many of these technologies create a condition of absence in a world desperate for our presence."

I think the reason the first one hits home for me so much is that I have experienced a gentler version of this just by blogging. When I blog I am clamoring for people to look at me, look at what I'm doing and what I'm thinking and where I'm going and who I'm with. Obsessing over my image, even in a blog, is a huge temptation. I want to shape who I am into who I want to be. Which is not a bad thing. The problem is that when it comes to social media like this, who I want to be is not the image of Christ, but rather a cooler version of Megan.

This is why I can't get Facebook. I think some people can handle it fine and use it well. I'm terrified I wouldn't be able to, that it would suck me deeper into a self-absorption and insecurity I've struggled with all my life. I don't think I'm strong enough for Facebook, pathetic as that sounds.

The third point I think goes both ways. Yes, technology like this can make us absent even when we're present. But at the same time, it can also make us present even when we're absent. If I don't see a close friend all day, I can text her just to let her know that I'm thinking about her and I love her, even when I can't be in her presence. But I have to be very cautious and wise that when I am present with someone, I am fully present with them, and not darting away to talk to someone I find more interesting.

So I'll just leave you with a promise: I will try to be aware of my lurking self-obsession so that I can fight it back and be real with you and truly interested in you. Please give me grace as God sorts out this messiness in me, and know that I love you, even if I'm really bad at loving you.

Oh, and one final amusing, but insightful, snippet: "Updates may be profound, but more often they are mostly a twitch of the brain- a mental fidget adding to the static of the universe."

29 May 2010

orientation

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." C.S. Lewis

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:1-5

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19a

slowly falling apart

We got bumped today, but that doesn't really matter. I'm so pleased with what we did accomplish in the last four days. I think we (and I know I) left everything on the river today. We gave it everything we had.

But I'm struggling. Today was my first taste of the end of this piece of my life. At the beginning of the year I determined to be fully present here, loving people and life without being afraid of the fact that I was leaving in a year. And now I know I've succeeded, because it hurts so much.

That's it. That's the real and raw and honest deal. I am once again breaking.

28 April 2010

look no further

"We are not merely imperfect creatures who must be improved: we are rebels who must lay down our arms."

Understanding that I am the problem changes everything about the way that I look at social ills, suffering, compassion, and my place in the world. I'm a pretty socially aware person. I volunteer, support movements, buy tshirts, email my representatives, go barefoot, give money, talk to people in different social strata. And so most of the time I think I'm pretty cool. I look for the problems on the outside: what other people have done, what our governments have done, what society has done, what natural disasters have done.

But really, the problem is on the inside. I am the problem. You can't see the deepest recesses of my heart, but I, sometimes, can, and I can tell you that there is darkness and nasty goop. When I'm honest, I can see quite clearly where all of these ills arise.

Torture comes out of my anger.
War comes out of my greed.
Poverty comes out of my self-absorption.
Oppression comes out of my lust.
The most twisted crimes come out of my indulgence.

That's fundamental. Because if the problem is inside me, the solution sure isn't. I need something on the outside to change me and heal me and make me capable of healing the world.

26 March 2010

blahg

I am having a super duper lame Friday night.

There were certainly good things in this day. I'm staying at Karen's house tonight, and her hospitality is almost as beautiful as she is. I had tea with Francis and Penelope Warner for the first time today. I had a sweet skype date with Allyallyally Hall. I saw a wooly rhinocerous tooth at the Oxford city museum this morning. Yet despite all of this amazingness, I'm both physically and emotionally shot.

Out of the blue today I ran into two different struggling women who I've had repeated interactions with in the past. I am so very thankful that we have been put into each others' lives, and good things have come out of these strange relationships, and I have hope for more beauty to grow. Buuuut, those two brief conversations left me reeling, feeling as though I had been fastened to an emotional vacuum cleaner and sucked dry. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to love them. I am unable to give them what they ask of me and I am tearing myself to shreds to make sure that my inability is not just a facade masking unwillingness of heart.

This heart strain makes me more vulnerable to other things. Like loneliness. Like jealousy. Like boredom. Like blabbering confusingly on my blog. Yuck.

And so I'm going to bed at 10:30 on a Friday night. Goodnight life. If you could please be a little less overwhelming tomorrow, that would be great.

18 March 2010

break my bones

Tuesday afternon after I got off work I took a sandwich and some coffee down to David, a Big Issue seller in Oxford who I see a couple times a week. We were standing there talking and despite the warm sunny weather, he seemed so discouraged. When I asked, he told me he was just tired of the abuse. He always speaks to me, and I have observed to others, with the utmost politeness and kindness, asking them if they would like to buy a magazine with a quiet, gentle manner. But he told me that while some people respond politely, there are many others who will yell at him, tell him to "f*** off," or otherwise verbally abuse him. Sometimes he leaves his corner early because he's just weary of it.

I can't believe people would do that. What kind of brokenness inside of someone causes them to treat a struggling human being that way? Who do I hurt with my words? Carelessly spoken, shot off, unintentional, or measured, we all instinctively know the power of speech, and I have used mine to wound, stab, and isolate.

That night I watched Memoirs of a Geisha. The entire film is aching and sad, but ironically, the part where I started crying is when the little girl who has been taken from her family, abused and isolated, and then abandoned by her sister in a thwarted running-away attempt is standing on a bridge in the middle of town and a powerful businessman notices her, stops, speaks kindness into her life, cheers her up, and buys her some flavored ice. From that moment onward the girl's entire life purpose becomes to become a geisha, because then she will have a chance at a place in that businessman's world.

His words spoke kindness into her, revolutionized her life, gave her a purpose to live. I started crying because it frightened me. We have so much power.

My friend Lissha once told our teen girls at camp, "You have the power to speak life into people." I have never forgotten that phrase. That is a terrifying power, because it infers that we also have the power to do exactly the opposite. And we have this power not over objects of small importance, but over people. People who have been dearly bought, highly esteemed, redeemed in the suffering of God himself. We speak thousands of words every day. Each one is a choice.

Forgive me, Lord! For I am a woman of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty!

" They make their tongues as sharp as a serpent's; the poison of vipers is on their lips. Selah" Psalm 140:3

"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal." 1 Corinthians 13:1

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?" James 3:9-11

21 February 2010

what fits us for service

Rereading my journal always makes me so aware of my brokenness. My inability, my pettiness, my confusion, my weakness, my humility. But the writer of Hebrews has important words for me:

"The blood of goats and bulls and the ashes of a heifer sprinkled on those who are ceremonially unclean sanctify them so that they are outwardly clean. How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!" Hebrews 9:13-14

It is not I who make myself good; it is Christ who fits me for service, for servitude, for sonship to the living God.

Elisabeth Elliot wrote, "Is there any Christian who does not long for some special experience, vision, or feeling of the presence of God? This morning it seemed to me that unless I could claim such I was merely going through motions of prayer, meditation, reading; that the book I am writing on discipline will prove to be nothing but vanity and a striving after wind. The Lord brought yesterday's word to mind again with this emphasis: it is not any experience, no matter how exciting, not any vision, however vivid and dazzling, not any feeling, be it ever so deep that fits me for service. It is the power of the blood of Christ. I am "made holy by the single unique offering of the body of Jesus Christ" (Heb 10:10), and by his blood "fit for the service of the living God." My spiritual numbness cannot cancel that--the blood will never lose its power."

This is so heartening, so emboldening, so vitalizing. It is Christ's sure and powerful redemption that fits us for service. We are inadequate, but he makes us adequate; we are broken, but he makes us strong; we are flawed, but he makes us right. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Let us therefore approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

And so I dearly hope this for you, my brothers and sisters, with great joy and expectation:

"May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen." Hebrews 13:20-21

01 February 2010

come and listen

Come and listen.
Come and listen to what he's done.

Let me tell you what he has done for me.
Let me tell you what he has done for me,
          he has done for you,
                    he has done for us.

Praise our God, for he is good.

Let me tell you what he has done for me: he has given me life abundant, rich, beautiful in its very normality, a life of loving people, reading books, singing, writing papers, drinking tea, rowing it up, telling stories, riding my bike, taking photos, watching our flowers bloom, listening to music, talking to friends, learning from smart people, eating apples, taking communion.

Not only am I studying at one of the top academic institutions in the world, but also I have gained intimate knowledge of another world besides my own, and have received the broadening of mind that comes with such knowledge. I am growing roots in a church that nurtures and challenges me and wants to help me serve God better. I have new friends here who pray with dedication, who have wicked piano skills, who want to rescue child soldiers, who can cook like crazy, who are passionate about Japan, who are going to make films that change hearts, who listen intently, who are brilliant scientists, who are persistant in love.

And as if that all weren't enough, he has done even more for me:

          When I gave more than I thought I could give financially,
          he provided me with more.

          He is in time growing me into maturity, teaching me how to
          release childish ways.

          He has given me a natural inclination for mercy and gentleness,
          but as I grow up, he is working on the many many things I lack,
          things like courage and self-control and discernment and purity,
          bringing me into all the fullness of the perfection of Christ.

And finally and greatest, he has loved me. He has laid aside his divinity to come live with me and love me. He has forgiven me everything that is wrong with me and is healing everything that is broken in me. He has given me you and you me. He has given me himself. But he has done this not just for me. He has done this for you. He has done this for us.

For all these things and more I praise the one who has loved us.

"Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts. Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced... Sing to the Lord, all the earth; proclaim his salvation day after day. Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples... Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." 1 Chronicles 16:1-12, 23-24, 34

27 January 2010

currently feeling: hopeful

Sixty-five years ago today soldiers of the 60th Army of the First Ukranian Front arrived at the gates of Auschwitz Concentration Camp to liberate the captives. And so in honor of the aching beauty of today, I thought I'd share my Auschwitz story with you. (I went to Prague before Auschwitz, but we'll come back to that later.)

When the Red Army began approaching, the Nazis got nervous and moved about 65,000 of the prisoners held at Auschwitz farther into the Reich. In the months preceding the liberation the Nazis began destroying many of the crematoria and trying to hide the rubble and burn the records. A week before the army arrived they evacuated another 2,000 prisoners by train and 59,000 by forced march. Nine to fifteen thousand of the prisoners died in these death marches, many in mass executions committed along the way. They left behind 9,000 in the camp to be executed, but 7,000 survived until the 26th, when the liberators arrived at the camp. I went to Auschwitz in December and despite my warm clothes, it was freezing. I can't imagine what it was like for those prisoners in January 1945. This is what the army saw when they arrived:


Pulling the story up to 2009, I arrived in the tiny train station at Oswiecim, Poland at 4:30 am. No one in the station spoke English. Darn. However, three Mexican students and a woman from Kazakhstan had gotten off the train as well and thankfully all spoke English and wanted to go to Auschwitz too. The woman from Kazakhstan, Aselya, and I started talking and became instant friends. Aselya deserves a whole story to herself, but let me just give you a glimpse of her.

Aselya Zelenina is from Kazakhstan. But she does not speak Kazakh, only Russian. And English (really really really really well). She is 26, I think. She is married to a guy from Kazakhstan who's ethnically Russian. She has traveled all over the world, some for her business job, but I think some just because her family and/or husband must have money. She is really sweet and confident and well-educated. She is worried about her country. Kazakhstan is increasingly coming under the influence of Iran, which has many dangerous implications, one of which is an increasing anti-Semitism (and anti-Americanism), including disregard for and even disbelief in the Holocaust (thank you Mahmoud Ahmadinejad). So Aselya is working on creating an informative web site about the Holocaust in Kazakh and Russian. She has hired a designer, her mom is helping her translate the Kazakh part, and she was going to Auschwitz to collect content and photos for the site. I admire the fact that she decided to actually do something about the problems that she saw; I admire that a lot.

Anyway, back to the story. We waited in the train station until it was light outside and then tried to navigate our way through town and out to the concentration camp based on a map I'd printed off Google back in the U.K. We made it and Aselya and I went on the incredible tour together with an English guide.

The summary of the day: everything you'd imagine visiting a death camp to be, but ten times more intense than you could have ever imagined. Visiting a concentration camp truly is something that everyone should do if they ever have the tiniest opportunity. It's heavy and aching and insane, but it's right to remember. My friend Luke reminded me that it is written in Ecclesiastes "It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting... the heart of the wise is in the house of mourning."

A concentration camp doesn't feel like a place to take photographs. But I needed to remember. And I want you to be able to see in case you don't ever have a chance to go yourself.

This is the famous entrance to Auschwitz. Everyone's seen it in their history textbook. But it's real. And it's about the most twisted and grotesque motto you could imagine. Arbeit macht frei. Work makes you free.


Some of these brick buildings were used as dormitories, some as jails, some for medical experiments, and so on.


This is a courtyard of death between two buildings. Men and women were led out, lined up against the wall, and systematically shot. Their bodies were then dragged to a pile in the corner and the next round of people were marched out.


This is the gas chamber. You can see the crematorium smokestack rising from the top. This particular gas chamber was only used for one year, but in that year 60,000 people were killed in it. It is a haunting dark cellar into which thousands of people walked and from which they never emerged except as smoke.


Three kilometers from Auschwitz I is Auschwitz-Birkenau, which was built as a massive, efficient death center when the Nazis wanted more killing capacity than they could get at Auschwitz I. And it was certainly efficient. More than 20,000 people could be killed and cremated here every day. Every day. A set of train tracks enters Auschwitz-Birkenau at the front gates and continues all the way to the end of the camp, where the gas chambers and crematoria were located so that the cars that brought prisoners in, just like this one, could more efficiently transport them straight to the death chambers.


When the prisoner were brought into the camp, they were first sorted. About three fourths of them were sent immediately to the gas chambers. The other fourth that remained were those deemed fit for work, and they lived here at Auschwitz-Birkenau and watched the trains come in and the smoke pour from the crematoria, knowing that as soon as they became too weak to work they would join those sent to their deaths. The workers lived in rows of cabins lined up in the vast field that is Auschwitz-Birkenau. These are some of the bunks in one of the women's cabins. Four to five women would be crammed into each bunk.


No one really knows how many people died here. Records were destroyed, and families and entire communities were taken, leaving no one to remember. Estimates range from one to five million people. Which means that up to four million people were so effectively exterminated that not even a name remains.

The beginning of the memorial plaque at Birkenau reads: "Forever let this place be a cry of despair and a warning to humanity..."

But liberation came. And because of this, I have a shred of hope. That one day hatred, death, and brokenness will no longer have power. That we will be rescued. That this too will be made right.

"It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart." Ecclesiastes 7:2

06 January 2010

failure

I went through my phone's address book last night and was overwhelmed by the memories so many names brought up of broken promises, dropped contacts, regrets. Letters I promised that were never sent, phone calls never returned, old friends forgotten, campers not followed up on, projects abandoned, pride getting in the way of relationships, laziness triumphing over love, stupid awkward things I've done, fragile fragile relationships lost, bittersweet memories, people I've lost track of. (How do you lose track of a person, anyway? They're important. Not like a shoe that you can't remember where you put it.)

I realized my word is crud. I have no integrity in small things and so none in big things.

I lose people.

This is terrible.

It's time to make some things right.

"Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.' But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God's throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." Matthew 5:33-37