those other olympics

My lovely friend Leah posted this photostory of our recent camping trip to the Pacific coast and the Hoh Rainforest: http://www.ldankertson.com/roughhewn/?p=4260
Enjoy! And if you have a few extra minutes, take some time to look around her blog; the photos that come out of her camera and the thoughts that come out of her heart are just beautiful.

to know people by name

I've had this quote on my computer desktop for a couple months now. It's really challenging to me because of the two competing desires Nouwen identifies, the second is so much stronger in me. The ministry of presence makes me uncomfortable. When you're just chilling with someone from a totally different background, you don't know what to expect. You don't know what is normal to them, you're clumsy at loving them, and it takes so much energy. It's scary and it's hard. I wouldn't do it if I hadn't been first loved.

I am praying that God will fill me with love for my neighbors, and will give me the ability and courage to communicate that love to them in ways that are truly meaningful to them.

More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presence. Still, it is not as simple as it seems.

My own desire to be useful, to do something significant, or to be part of some impressive project is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings, conferences, study groups, and workshops that prevent me from walking the streets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause, and not to feel that you are working directly for social progress. But I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn’t be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them, but truly love them.

Henri Nouwen

how to save a life

My mom linked me to this article recently, and I was surprised and impressed by it. It is noteworthy for its gentle, but unflinchingly honest, portrayal of the messiness of humans, even those who we idealize. I am the first to instinctively put survivors of oppression on a pedestal: noble, strong, exalted beacons of what humanity should be in the face of despicable evil. But the truth of who humans are is far more complicated.

This article tells the story of a fiery young Afghan woman who fled to the U.S. after suffering mutilation at the hands of her husband and in-laws. Her face was chosen to grace the cover of Time magazine, and she became an icon of oppressed Afghan women. But this story focuses not so much on Aesha, but on the caseworkers, counselors, and teachers who have poured their hearts into helping the young woman, and reveals that caring for a real person like Aesha is far more difficult, frustrating, messy, draining, and unglorious than we would like to think. I commend it to you.

http://www.cnn.com/interactive/2012/05/world/saving.aesha/?hpt=hp_c2

i am full

The group of women who disciple me every week say a lot of wise things. I'm so glad that they tell me the thoughts that they think so that I can think them too.

We've been reading through the book of Revelations and a few weeks ago Tiffany said something profoundly simple that made my heart tremble. First she read these words out loud:

Revelation 1:16 "In his [Jesus'] right hand he held seven stars, and out of his mouth came a sharp double-edged sword. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance."
Revelation 22:3b-5a "The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light."

Then she said this: if Jesus' face is brighter than the sun, his love must be more than enough to fill me. When Satan whispers that there are empty spaces in my heart that people need to fill, he is lying. I am full.

This screams like a megaphone into my life. I adore people so dearly that I often assume they are the ones to fill my heart. But that burden will suffocate our friendship. Our relationship is most alive, most free and vibrant and right when I receive my sustenance and value from the radiance of God's love, just as a tiny sprouting plant flourishes in the life-giving rays of the sun.

In Searching for God Knows What, Don Miller said:
“I think Jesus is saying, Look, you guys are running around like monkeys trying to get people to clap, but people are fallen, they are separated from God, so they have no idea what is good or bad, worthy to be judged or set free, beautiful or ugly to begin with...
Imagine how a man’s life would be if he trusted that he was loved by God. How he could interact with the poor and not show partiality, he could love his wife easily and not expect her to redeem him, he would be slow to anger because redemption was no longer at stake, he could be wise and giving with his money because money no longer represented points, he could give up on formulaic religion, knowing that checking stuff off a spiritual to-do list was a worthless pursuit, he would have confidence and the ability to laugh at himself, and he could love people without expecting anything in return. It would be quite beautiful, really...
Earthly love… is temporal and slight so that is has to be given again and again in order for us to feel any sense of security; but God’s love, God’s voice and presence, would instill our souls with such affirmation we would need nothing more and would cause us to love other people so much we would be willing to die for them.”

The inner struggle to rest my heart in this truth is reflected in this insight from Lewis (does it always come back to him?):
"The real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes [and lies] for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back, in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind. We can only do it for moments at first. But from those moments the new sort of life will be spreading through our system: because now we are letting Him work at the right part of us. It is the difference between paint which is merely laid on the surface, and a dye or stain which soaks right through."

I long for God's love to soak through my heart like a dye, utterly permeating and transforming it. For now I only see faint tinges of color, the first traces of sunrise.

neighborhood house

Spent yesterday evening at the Neighborhood House here in my new neighborhood of High Point. It's only two blocks from my house and I walk past it every day on my way to the bus, so I couldn't resist connecting there. Got plugged in with their youth program, and yesterday was my second evening tutoring kids after school. It's a really good place to be. The kids are largely from immigrant families, which means they instantly had my heart. The program director is a woman worthy of respect; the atmosphere she creates in the program is peaceful, relaxed, hard-working, caring, but caring enough to call kids out and gently redirect them when they're distracted. The program is well structured. Both kids and volunteers know the expectations, and they are thoughtful and reasonable. The ratios are manageable: one to two kids per volunteer tutor. It's encouraging to be involved in a solid program.

Last night I listened in amazement as a sweet, soft-spoken, sixth-grade girl read me the tragic adventure story she was writing about two kids who get stuck in a pyramid during a gruesome mummification process and end up dying of dehydration and despair. Then I helped a fourth-grader with long division and a fifth-grader with graphing coordinates, and ended the evening trouncing them both (I know, it's hardly fair when your opponents are ten years old) in Chinese Checkers. The cherry on the top of the sundae was walking two blocks home. The Lord is beginning to open my heart to this neighborhood and to the opportunities waiting for me to live well here.

is facebook killing your soul?

I picked up my new issue of Relevant recently (Heck yes, Relevant magazine. Don't judge me.) and as I scanned the front cover my eyes alighted on "IS FACEBOOK KILLING YOUR SOUL? p. 72"

I was so excited.

For those who haven't participated in this minor drama in my life, I am a non-Facebooker. (I really need to come up with a more interesting name for this phenomenon.) I have waffled and wavered, I've hemmed and hawed, I've even lied about it, promising friends "I'll get one at the end of the year..." or "I'll get one when I go overseas..." or "I'll get one when I graduate..." But they were all flat-out, if useful, lies.

I wrinkled the pages all up in my rush to get to page 72. The main argument was that Facebook changes the way we think and the way we perceive and interact in the real world as well as the cyber-world. The author explains it simply: "Our thinking patterns begin to mirror the things we use to think with." Some of the changes seem to be neutral, some not so good, and some just interesting. Consider these suggestions by the author:

We now think in webs rather than lines.
We value flexible, fast intuition over hard, slow, laborious rationality.
We prefer short, simple messages over lengthy, uninterrupted essays.

He also has some more concerning observations:

"While there is a little voyeurism, there is a lot of exhibitionism on Facebook... Voyeurism is what happens when you steal glimpses into people's lives they don't intend for you to see. The people I'm looking at want me to see everything I'm seeing. They want me to know what they're eating, wearing, feeling and thinking in each moment... Such exhibitionism has an unusual effect on us... We become fascinated by the image we project. It's like having a mirror on your desk or in your pocket. And every so often, you pull it out to gaze upon your own image. Perhaps you want to adjust your hair or find postures of the head to smooth out the double chin. This kind of regular self-inspection eventually gives rise to a subtle narcissism."

"We endlessly noodle, refine, create and consume a digital projection we want others to see. However, we are rarely what we project. This image approximates reality, but it is not reality... This is hardly new, of course. In any social situation, we seek to control the impression we give. The problem is that in real social settings, there are limits to what we can hide... Over enough time, [Facebook's] subtle effect creates a minor split in us. A split between who we are, and who we think we are. This tiny fracture may seem insignificant, but if we remain unconscious, it leads us away from a life of wholeness and integration."

And finally, Facebook (and Twitter) "begs me to step out of the stream of experience long enough to record it... This may seem insignificant. But our presence matters. Our brief but increasingly frequent moments of absence add up. Imagine a father who flickers in and out of a child's life every time he checks his iPhone. He might be there physically, but he may as well be at the office or on a business trip. People can feel our absence... It is a ghost-like condition. It diminishes one of God's greatest gifts to us- a body. There is a reason God made us with bodies. There is a reason God became a body in Jesus. The incarnation is about becoming a body to bless the world through physical presence in the lives of others. To hold the hand of those who grieve, to feed and clothe those who are poor, to love those who are alone by being with them. Many of these technologies create a condition of absence in a world desperate for our presence."

I think the reason the first one hits home for me so much is that I have experienced a gentler version of this just by blogging. When I blog I am clamoring for people to look at me, look at what I'm doing and what I'm thinking and where I'm going and who I'm with. Obsessing over my image, even in a blog, is a huge temptation. I want to shape who I am into who I want to be. Which is not a bad thing. The problem is that when it comes to social media like this, who I want to be is not the image of Christ, but rather a cooler version of Megan.

This is why I can't get Facebook. I think some people can handle it fine and use it well. I'm terrified I wouldn't be able to, that it would suck me deeper into a self-absorption and insecurity I've struggled with all my life. I don't think I'm strong enough for Facebook, pathetic as that sounds.

The third point I think goes both ways. Yes, technology like this can make us absent even when we're present. But at the same time, it can also make us present even when we're absent. If I don't see a close friend all day, I can text her just to let her know that I'm thinking about her and I love her, even when I can't be in her presence. But I have to be very cautious and wise that when I am present with someone, I am fully present with them, and not darting away to talk to someone I find more interesting.

So I'll just leave you with a promise: I will try to be aware of my lurking self-obsession so that I can fight it back and be real with you and truly interested in you. Please give me grace as God sorts out this messiness in me, and know that I love you, even if I'm really bad at loving you.

Oh, and one final amusing, but insightful, snippet: "Updates may be profound, but more often they are mostly a twitch of the brain- a mental fidget adding to the static of the universe."

come and listen

Come and listen.
Come and listen to what he's done.

Let me tell you what he has done for me.
Let me tell you what he has done for me,
          he has done for you,
                    he has done for us.

Praise our God, for he is good.

Let me tell you what he has done for me: he has given me life abundant, rich, beautiful in its very normality, a life of loving people, reading books, singing, writing papers, drinking tea, rowing it up, telling stories, riding my bike, taking photos, watching our flowers bloom, listening to music, talking to friends, learning from smart people, eating apples, taking communion.

Not only am I studying at one of the top academic institutions in the world, but also I have gained intimate knowledge of another world besides my own, and have received the broadening of mind that comes with such knowledge. I am growing roots in a church that nurtures and challenges me and wants to help me serve God better. I have new friends here who pray with dedication, who have wicked piano skills, who want to rescue child soldiers, who can cook like crazy, who are passionate about Japan, who are going to make films that change hearts, who listen intently, who are brilliant scientists, who are persistant in love.

And as if that all weren't enough, he has done even more for me:

          When I gave more than I thought I could give financially,
          he provided me with more.

          He is in time growing me into maturity, teaching me how to
          release childish ways.

          He has given me a natural inclination for mercy and gentleness,
          but as I grow up, he is working on the many many things I lack,
          things like courage and self-control and discernment and purity,
          bringing me into all the fullness of the perfection of Christ.

And finally and greatest, he has loved me. He has laid aside his divinity to come live with me and love me. He has forgiven me everything that is wrong with me and is healing everything that is broken in me. He has given me you and you me. He has given me himself. But he has done this not just for me. He has done this for you. He has done this for us.

For all these things and more I praise the one who has loved us.

"Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts. Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced... Sing to the Lord, all the earth; proclaim his salvation day after day. Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples... Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." 1 Chronicles 16:1-12, 23-24, 34

steep.

It is advent. YES. That glorious glorious season when we have intentional space to stop and steep in the insaneness of the Incarnation. That is, if we stop.
I love it.

And I love you all. I wish you a beautiful advent.

"I will put my dwelling place among you, and I will not abhor you. I will walk among you and be your God, and you will be my people." Leviticus 26:11-12

"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." John 1:14

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness." Philippians 2:5-7

"Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death- that is, the devil- and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death." Hebrews 2:14-15

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God." Revelation 21:3

top ten of the last two weeks

Life is magic. It's a beautiful, wonderful, marvelous, mysterious thing. It's definitely a rough game, and sometimes it freaks me out that it's real. I mean, it seems like a story that I'm reading from the outside and I pity the characters because there's so much uncertainty and they don't have a clue about the true meaning. But then I realize that I can't withdraw out of this terrifyingly uncertain fictional world because... well... it's not fiction. Because I'm stuck inside the story. I'm as limited as the characters I thought I could pity.

So anyway, life freaks me out and makes me feel like my brain is going to explode. But there are some really neat parts, too! Here are my top ten favorite things in the last two weeks:

10. Just being with people. Since I only had one essay to research and write this week, instead of the normal two, I was able to spend more time living life with people and just hanging out, which is precious. I had tea and a beautifully real talk with Alison, my small group leader. I hung out in the chapel for an hour after CU meeting and listened to Chris play the piano and Julia sing all these worship songs that I've never heard before because they're just not as common in the States. I sat in the Spencer House kitchen after a Sunday dinner of Thanksgiving leftovers and just enjoyed the warmth and the idle chatting and the comfortable people. I watched a movie with friends in the JCR, holding a book because it makes me feel better to pretend to do homework even when I'm not really. I had tea with Karen. I had tea with Eric. I had tea with my dear Focus girls. (Yes, me likey tea mucho.)

9. My tutor liked my economics paper. For the first time. Too bad it was my last one. Victory in Jesus! :)

8. I bought plane tickets for the Czech Republic! Luke's coming up to Britain tomorrow and then on the 9th, I'm flying back with him to the Czech Republic. I've wanted to go to Prague for so long; I'm really uber-excited. It's gonna be great.

7. Crumpets. They are divine. Similar to an English muffin, but with a slightly pancakier texture. Toasted. Thank you Rosie for changing my life.

6. Cuppers. This is the Oxford drama competition where all of the plays are directed and performed by freshers. Our very own Marchella Ward not only directed one for Regent's, but also WROTE it. And it was GOOD. Clever, swift, funny, and excellently acted. They really surprised me with how fantastic it was. I loved it! And I think half the student and faculty body of Regent's crammed into the tiny Burton Taylor studio (which I seriously think seats MAYBE forty people) to enjoy it. I love the school spirit, and they were well-rewarded for their time.

5. We took communion at chapel this week and it was beautiful. Everyone who was there gathered around the table and passed the bread and wine to one another. We all tore a piece off the same loaf of bread and took a sip from the same glass of wine, giving grace to one another as we ourselves had received it. I had to fight to keep from laughing with sheer delight as I said "the peace of Christ be with you" to someone because it was so glorious.

4. Turned in my last essay this morning at seven am. Bam. Beat that.

3. Lebanese food. I love experiencing pieces of new cultures. Eric and I were going to go to this Indian place for dinner Saturday night, but when we got there, we decided it was a little too posh for us. There was a Lebanese restaurant across the street, and neither of us had ever tried that before, so, hey, why not? It was good food and sweet fun, but the best part was that part of the menu was in Arabic and I knew three or four of the words. YES. I wish Anna could have been there. Or Rima. They would have been so proud.

2. Annie and Melody & I went to the Ashmolean on Saturday afternoon and it was super sweet. Mostly art and artifacts, but it's a world-class museum and they had some incredible stuff. We were only there for a few hours and I need to go back before I can pick some favorite things.

1. THANKSGIVING. Was amazing. So good. All of us American students at Regent's, plus a few extra friends, brought scads of traditional Thanksgiving food up to Spencer House and enjoyed it together. We ate crazy amounts of food, enjoyed being with one another and just talking and hanging out, and watched a movie. Which was perfect, because really, chilling on a couch with a bunch of friends watching a movie is one of the best ways (maybe one of the only ways) to let your body recover from eating enough food for three days.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." 1 Chronicles 16:34

undivided

May your voice be louder,
may your voice be clearer than all the others.
Than all the others.

May your face be dearer,
may your words be sweeter than all the others.
Than all the others in my life.

Please keep my eyes fixed on you;
please root my heart so deep in you.
Keep me abiding.

"My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning." Psalm 130:6