chapter four, in which megan explains why she is not moving back to kansas city yet

This is real.

I have a new job. And it's my dream job - I think? I think I'm too young to have my dream job.

Maybe, probably, I will have new dreams in two or five or ten years, and that's fine, but for now, it is, in fact, my dream job.

I'm so thankful. And at the same time, my thankfulness over the last few months has been laced with discontentment. I keep asking God if I can move back to Kansas City. I want to pick up my little sister for lunch dates and be a respite caregiver for the Peery House and play on the playground with UCA's inaugural kindergarten class and go to my dad's shows and plan a Camp CUMCITO Teen Girls retreat and let my friend Kyla chauffeur me around with her shiny new driver's license and become friends with the man who's dating my best friend. There are so many good things going on there that I would love to be a part of, and so many people who I want to live daily life with.

And I feel like God doesn't get it, because I keep hearing "Not yet." I forget my dream job and the dearly loved family I nanny for and the healthiest church that I've ever been a part of and the community that has truly become my West Seattle family and the sunset over the mountains over the ocean and I start daydreaming and wishing and whining to God, and then I get angry, because he's not letting me live every good story that I want to live all at the same time.

He's been so patient with me. He has not yet raised his voice with me. But he has said in loving firmness, "Do you really think that your story is better than mine? Do you really think that it is all about you getting everything you want (which is too much for you to cram into your mouth anyway)? Infinitely greater and more beautiful things are at stake."

This morning I was reading an excerpt from the writings of Saint John of the Cross, and the editor of the book advised an assignment: "Be patient with God this week. John of the Cross consistently counsels us not to fuss or fret and take our spiritual lives into our own hands, but simply to receive what God would have us receive, no more, no less. Learn the discipline of gratitude for the small things." The Holy Spirit whispered to me, "Even though you think you're missing out on so many things in Kansas City, stop fussing and fretting. Trust your God's guidance. Trust that he knows what he's doing. He has opened doors for you here and now that you should not walk away from because you are greedy or discontent, but should keep walking through because they are good and because you are his. You are not your own. You have been bought with a price. It is not about your desires, but about his glory. He is writing a better story. And in the end, you will not regret following him instead of following your own wisdom."

I don't know how to communicate that to all of the people who I feel like I'm disappointing by my decision to stay here, but maybe they'll read this post.

There are deeply wounded and out-of-place men and women here who I get to intentionally and practically love full-time through smiles and individually tailored English worksheets and caring about them as human beings and being excited that they're here and crying out in prayer over the waves of difficulty that threaten to crash down over them. There is a thirteen year old boy who is asking big questions about who Jesus is and listening to my answers. There is a church who is pouring itself out to make God look as good as he is in the avenues and alleyways of Seattle. These are the doors that I'm going to follow God through. God, help me not just walk, but run.

the stranger

This film is coming out next month - check out the trailer: http://www.thestrangerfilm.org/

I haven't seen it yet and can't recommend it or not, but the issues it raises are huge and close to my heart - immigration reform is needed terribly, and the church needs to lead in welcoming the stranger as we have been so radically welcomed by God.

You can read what God says about how we should treat the stranger here: http://evangelicalimmigrationtable.com/iwasastranger/

And check out this book for strong, wise, perceptive, and Biblical insights about immigration reform: http://www.amazon.com/Welcoming-Stranger-Justice-Compassion-Immigration/dp/0830833595

And then let's talk! Tell me what you think!

children of war

Amazing article by Tahrier Muon that helped me understand better and hope bigger: We, the children of war in South Sudan, reject this war

come visit

World Relief Seattle has a blog, and it's amazing. All of the staff contribute stories, and sometimes our refugee clients contribute stories too. If you're interested in meeting some of my amazing students and their families, and getting to know the work that I have the privilege of being a part of better, but you don't have the money for a plane ticket up here, come visit by taking a minute to scroll through our blog and check out some of our stories (although if you DO have the money for a plane ticket, COME!).
Click here: http://worldreliefseattle.wordpress.com/

the sisters do searcy

Climbed to the top of Sugar Loaf for sunrise on my birthday

depression

My pal Karen wrote an excellent post on depression: http://tedenrice.wordpress.com/2013/11/16/its-real-guys-so-lets-talk-about-it/
Read & learn & be encouraged. Her life is a beautiful and brave and encouraging thing.

the humility of hope

Some little baby friends are growing into toddlers, and it's so encouraging!

(Not literal babies growing into toddlers, just to be clear; rather, several young friendships growing a little deeper and stronger and easier.)

Something else encouraging today (from C.J. Mahaney):

Scripture calls us to cast all our anxieties on God, because he cares for us.

'Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7, ESV)'

Casting all my cares upon the Lord is a means of humbling myself before the Lord. In reading these passages we discover that casting our cares upon the Lord falls under the command to humble ourselves. Casting our cares is an expression of humility. When I fail to cast my cares upon him, I display prideful self-sufficiency.

Self-sufficiency is one of my favorite things, so I need to hear this. My schedule is not my own. My strength and ability are not my own. I am in great need of humility. I desperately need it for my survival, flourishing, and joy.

Humility requires releasing my worry. Worry and anxiety are not honoring to Him. They are not truth-reflecting, life-giving, or fruitful. Sometimes I feel like I should worry, or else I'm not giving due concern to a situation. This is absolutely untrue. Concern and thoughtfulness are very different than worry. Concern and thoughtfulness end in trusting action, with joy. Worry and anxiety drain and paralyze. They set me up as the burden-bearer, rather than Jesus.

Lord, let me then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that I may receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need. May this confident hope in the great God I serve prevail as an anchor for my soul, firm and secure. For it is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace, continually offering to God a sacrifice of praise. And may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip me with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in me what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever.

stilling

Be still and know that I am God.

Every time I read those words, God reminds me of a different facet of their truth. A different way in which they are critical to my soul. Tonight I know that I'm not in control of my own heart, but I remember that I can rest because God is trustworthy as God. I shall not fear.

impact

12 months at World Relief Seattle in numbers: http://worldreliefseattle.org/impact/

friday top five

1) Returning to full-time teaching at World Relief!

2) Skype date with Karen Elizabeth

3) This song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9V1eiLPgtc

4) And this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvDQy53eldY

5) The kindest dude ever who stopped on his bike in the middle of the floating bridge during rush hour traffic and offered to change my flat for me


What were your top five this week?

yes

Yes. I trust him. Sometimes I wait in the emotions too long instead of setting them down for the good. So yes, I will trust, not begrudgingly, but with joy and thanksgiving, which is the key to it all.

And I will be yours.
I will be yours for all my life,
So let your mercy light the path before me.

everything

Lord I find you in the seeking, Lord I find you in the doubt.
And to know you is to love you, and to know so little else.
I need you.
Oh how I need you.

Whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him.

Sitting in this tonight - can I lay aside so many good things that I desire for the sake of following my Jesus? I have been obedient, through entangled and confusing motives, and while he has given me such good things, I, like a human, am focused on the things I'm not getting. I'm watching them slip out of my hands, and Satan is saying "You're missing your last chance. Hurry up - grab them while you still can. You're going to miss out." And Jesus is saying "Let them go, Megan. Let them go with joy. You have me. Try me, and I will not be too little for you. I am for you, and I am not making a mistake. Do you trust me?"

focus

Today was my last day as an administrative assistant / volunteer coordinator at SUA - I'm returning to teaching ESL at World Relief full time through AmeriCorps (and continuing to nanny as well). The kids and staff surprised me with a box of sweet notes. The notes were sweet, but sobering as they confirmed through their words that the connections I had made with a few of the kids were still in fragile infancy and may or may not survive my transition. And yet that affirmed recent decisions.

Part of the reason that the connections were slow to deepen was my frenetic pace in the first half of 2013. I like to think I can do everything, and maybe I can, but I can't do everything well. I survived working three jobs and volunteering twenty hours a week and taking two classes all at the same time. But I didn't thrive. And I didn't love well. My time with people was rushed, my enthusiasm continuously low, my investment and openness checked by self-protective instincts. I couldn't connect with kids outside of school, I couldn't accept my students' frequent invitations to their homes, I ignored my neighbors, my money management flew out of control, my physical health declined, my time with Jesus became hurried, and I neglected my family and friends. The summer has been a season of reflection and the fall a season of change - relinquishing my grasp and narrowing my commitments so that I can focus in on being a good steward of my top priorities. It seems so obvious, but it's so hard to accept the limitations of smallness with graceful humility. I was reminded through the lack of depth in the notes, both in their knowledge of me and in my knowledge of them, that being overcommitted had pushed me to this point of having little relationally to show for a year's worth of time at SUA and that I needed to focus in to pursue what I value and what I think I'm made for, which is fewer significant relationships rather than more shallow ones.

The other reason that the connections I made were so incremental was that my position at SUA didn't center around direct engagement with the students. I didn't get to spend all day with them in the classroom, or even work logistics out directly with them and their families as our Office Coordinator does. Instead we only traded small talk and occasional chats, sincere though they might have been, when we happened to be in the same space or as I served them lunch, and most of my engagement was with volunteers and other staff. I need to work in a directly relational position. I am sure of that now. I need a job in which I can spend my days learning to know and be known by real people who are journeying through dark and scary places of life and who could use a companion along the way, and figuring out how to love them well like Jesus loves me well. (What does well mean? Sincerely, openly, humbly, diligently, relevantly, practically, committedly, securely... that's a whole nother conversation.) That's why I love teaching so much, and why I've chosen to focus on that over the next year. I have so much opportunity to connect deeply and consistently and practically and servant-heartedly with my students and I want to focus in on that incredible opportunity that makes use of my loves and my strengths. If I ever went back to working at SUA, I would want it to be as a teacher. They get to be on the front lines, and that's exactly where I want to be. I have learned some good things through my time in the logistics chain, but it's not the right long-term fit for me.

So I'm sad to leave the SUA students and staff, but not sad to leave my role there. I'm encouraged by the opportunities God has opened up for focusing in this year and I'm hopeful that he's going to use it to make me a better vessel of his love.

"Send us now into the world in peace, and grant us strength and courage to love and serve you with gladness and singleness of heart; through Christ our Lord. Amen."

the sisters do seattle part 2

Hiking in the rainforest yesterday:

Not everyone has such pretty hiking companions.

the sisters do seattle part 1

Shakespeare in the Park with Sister Sarah - she's here visiting for a week!

serve the city '13

My church family and I desire to see gospel renewal take place from the avenues to the alleyways of the city that we love. And so on July 20th over 100 people from DCC partnered with Dunlap Elementary School in the Rainier Valley neighborhood of Seattle to help with some much-needed maintenance. We got to trim bushes, paint curbs, pull brambles, and clean up trash, and my friend Peter made this video to show some highlights of the day (bonus: Tyler composed the music and Chelsey contributed the vocals - talented folks!):

how much happier

How much happier you would be, how much more of you there would be, if the hammer of a higher God could smash your small cosmos, scattering the stars like spangles, and leave you in the open, free like other men to look up as well as down!
-G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy

hope

The kids don't love each other today. Understatement. They're saying in cold, deliberate voices "I'm going to kill you." (which is worse than screaming it)

It makes my heart fall to pieces. What do you do when they hate each other, when what God has done for them means nothing to them, when they're stubborn and irrational, when they're deliberately and spitefully cruel? What do you do when they can't see past the smog of their anger? When their sinful hearts crawl like nasty little monsters out of their mouths?



What does God do with us? Does he squeeze our jaws until apologies wheeze out as if from a dying organ? Does he turn up the radio and focus on waiting for the light to change?

I know it's not either of those options. He is neither aggressive nor passive. But I'm not sure how to mimic him. I know he is patient. I know he repeats truth to us, even when we refuse to listen. I know that even in our ugliest moments his love for us is steady. I know his heart breaks too.

So after a long conversation that got nowhere, I sit in the car, enveloped by dark rain, and pray. God, help me show you to them. We need you.



I come inside and start writing these words, and in the middle of the third paragraph, E walks in. He runs up to me and hugs me tight around my waist and says simply "Megan, I'm sorry I was mean to you, and I already apologized to her, too." And I'm weak in the knees at God's kindness, and at his reassurance that he is pursuing their hearts. I have great reason to hope.

follow the pope

No joke: the pope is getting Twitter. I can't wait.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=164711585

running is a metaphor

On one night in March of 2011 I became a runner. I had picked up running before, tossed it around a bit, every time eventually fumbling it as I tried to juggle too many pieces of life that claimed higher priority. But this time was different. I had never run more than a mile before, but on a warm spring night down lazy neigborhood streets I felt like I could keep going forever. A silver parachute floated down from heaven with a gift of five miles, and when I came in the house at midnight and woke Kalie up to tell her about it, I was hooked.

17 months, 1166 miles, and 1 heart surgery later, I ran a marathon.

This long process of committing myself to excellence at something I have no natural talent at, and doing the daily work to train my body to achieve what had been a ridiculously implausible goal, has been incredible. I was weekly humbled by the Holy Spirit's gracious gift of his own strength and sanctifying discipline as I regularly faced runs that I lacked the willpower and stamina to accomplish and he trained my spirit to pursue wisdom and discipline at the cost of my own comfortable inertia. This wasn't just about running; it was about God working bigger things in my spirit and using running as a metaphor.

Thank you to those of you who encouraged me, rolled out of bed with me at 5 am during summer vacation to run before sunrise (that's you, sisters!), made sure I didn't leave the house without water (Gram), took me out for breakfast after my first 5k (331 girls), and drove two hours with handmade signs to cheer me to the finish line (Kim & Jill).

Here's me coming down the finish stretch after running 26.2 miles (getting smoked by Girl in Pink):

But it doesn't stop here! Thanksgiving 5k with the sisters, coming soon!