sufficient for me

the first birthday

2012-02-04T12:46:00.000-06:00

The year in pictures!
Check out the ways that God has been faithful to Downtown Cornerstone in 2011! Maybe I'll springboard off this and collect a few photos from the past year showing what God has done this year for me. Check back later. (But no promises.)

neighborhood house

2012-02-03T02:02:00.000-06:00

Spent yesterday evening at the Neighborhood House here in my new neighborhood of High Point. It's only two blocks from my house and I walk past it every day on my way to the bus, so I couldn't resist connecting there. Got plugged in with their youth program, and yesterday was my second evening tutoring kids after school. It's a really good place to be. The kids are largely from immigrant families, which means they instantly had my heart. The program director is a woman worthy of respect; the atmosphere she creates in the program is peaceful, relaxed, hard-working, caring, but caring enough to call kids out and gently redirect them when they're distracted. The program is well structured. Both kids and volunteers know the expectations, and they are thoughtful and reasonable. The ratios are manageable: one to two kids per volunteer tutor. It's encouraging to be involved in a solid program.

Last night I listened in amazement as a sweet, soft-spoken, sixth-grade girl read me the tragic adventure story she was writing about two kids who get stuck in a pyramid during a gruesome mummification process and end up dying of dehydration and despair. Then I helped a fourth-grader with long division and a fifth-grader with graphing coordinates, and ended the evening trouncing them both (I know, it's hardly fair when your opponents are ten years old) in Chinese Checkers. The cherry on the top of the sundae was walking two blocks home. The Lord is beginning to open my heart to this neighborhood and to the opportunities waiting for me to live well here.

rolling stone, but rolling after Jesus

2012-02-01T08:35:00.000-06:00

Moved again.

6517 29th Ave SW
Seattle, WA 98126

Drop me a line sometime.

love looks like lesson planning

2012-01-22T19:38:00.000-06:00

Lesson planning is hard. It takes all of my mental agility. It takes creativity I don’t have. It takes discipline of will. It takes humility, because more days than not I have to admit I have no ideas and ask my co-teachers for help. It could always be done better. It’s frustrating because it rarely turns out the way I expected or hoped. Every day that I triumphantly complete my lesson plan, it lasts two hours and then it’s done, and I have to start again from square one for tomorrow.

That’s what love’s like. Every lesson plan is an act of love to my students. Loving people well requires time; it can’t be done in a hurry as one task to be checked off the list. Loving people well requires that you know them, that you know them well, their strengths and weaknesses and interests and insecurities and their unique process of learning and knowing. Loving well demands focus and discipline of mind and will. It takes courage and humility because you can’t make people be the way you want them to be, whether your desires for them are noble or selfish. Loving well goes against all of my natural inclinations toward pursuing ease and cherishing independence and thinking about myself first and wanting other people to be conveniently manipulatable.

I see every day that my love is not patient, nor kind. It envies, boasts, and is proud. It sets up rules where there are no rules. It is always calculating the cost. It keeps mental record books, but only for others. It compares in hope of determining itself worthy. It always has mixed motives. It is sluggish and unreliable and often frankly unrecognizable as love.

But I am first loved. Before I love well, before I love at all, before I save the day or even make one tiny sacrifice, before I fix what is broken, before I make myself loveable, I am first loved. That is the wild kind of love that is teaching me how to love.

And you all thought I was the teacher.

summer sunshine and new life

2011-12-03T00:45:00.001-06:00

Picnic? Frisbee? Friends? Sunshine? Beach? Baptisms?
Yes please.

The first DCC baptisms were held the first weekend of August down on the beach at the sculpture park.

My pastor, Adam.

The church watching from the beach.

My dear friend Sarah.

The next ones are coming up this month. Not on the beach of course. (: It's so exciting to see the transformations God is undertaking in the lives of my brothers and sisters in our community.

the first half

2011-11-18T15:31:00.001-06:00

My first half marathon was August 6th. It started at the Tacoma Narrows Airport and ended in downtown Tacoma. The most important lesson I learned from it was that the running wasn't the hard part. Mile 12 felt just like mile 4. The hard part was keeping myself entertained for two hours. I got so bored around mile 6. Since then I've started listening to sermons from Redeemer when I go for my long training runs, and I may start loading movies onto my ipod to listen to while I run even longer distances; something with a overarching plot/thought structure keeps me more interested than a long series of songs.

I'm registered for my first marathon in February and my second in June, but my recent surgery may wreak havoc with those dreams. I'm under strict instructions from the doctor not to drive or exercise for six months. Lame. I'm going to argue for the June one at least when I go back for my next checkup in January.

Before the half:

There were a lot of cool little planes sitting around everywhere:

People getting their heads in the game pre-race in the hanger:

I'm gonna fly one of these someday! Not even joking.

intro to seattle city

2011-11-14T12:15:00.001-06:00

These are from June, the first month I lived in Seattle city.

the view east from the waterfront

the view west from the waterfront

the piers on Puget Sound

it may rain a lot, but it is still beautiful. the colors are so vibrant.

scenes from pike place

the Seattle Public Library

so sleek and modern

Mariners' game

oh the Seattle stereotype

appreciative

2011-10-24T10:11:00.002-05:00

Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

My friends are not only hot, but also talented. (: I just found Jess's photo blog, and the way she freezes the beauty happening all around her is incredible.

Check out the photo blog here: http://jessicagliserman.tumblr.com

nightmares

2011-10-20T06:05:00.002-05:00

It's 3:28 am, and I am awake because I just had a nightmare. I hate those.

One of the things I hate most about nightmares is that the effects linger. For example, this nightmare was about a vampire. Stupid, right? I don't believe in vampires and I'm not scared of them. But after I wake up from a nightmare about a vampire, I'm terrified. Even though my mind tells me that I won't be scared at all come tomorrow, the fear lingers tonight. I'm by myself, but I think I'd be even more scared if I was with someone, because I'd be scared they were a vampire. Even though I don't believe in vampires.

The other thing I hate most about nightmares, or at least mine, is that they always strike at the deepest chords of what is scary about a thing. For this nightmare about a vampire, it was the idea that a person you love and completely trust would get this weird look in their eyes, lie to you, turn on you, and then try to eat you. Sick, huh? Even though I'm awake now I can't lose the worse image of the nightmare, the moment when that happened.

It seems like every kid goes through a nightmare stage, which is so sad. That would be heartbreaking for me as a parent, because I know nightmares and I know how they're only scary if they happen to you, and then they're paralyzing, no matter how stupid they might sound over breakfast the next morning. I remember when I went through my nightmare stage as a kid, I would pray desperately to God every night that if I trusted him enough to fall asleep and make myself vulnerable to nightmares, he would protect me from evil in my mind while I was sleeping. (Thing number three I hate about nightmares: they jump you when you're vulnerable; there's no way to protect yourself against them.) God was actually really faithful in that in a really sweet way to little kid Megan. God is not a magic formula, but every time I thought to pray and ask for his protection, I was protected.

I've been the recipient lately of a great deal of very sweet, elemental faithfulness from God. The kind where I give up to him a very basic, immediate, even tangible need, and he provides in an obvious way. This has been the case with money, housing, a job, clarity and wisdom, safety, and my car. I feel like a small child being provided for by my father, and I feel both so taken care of by God, and so reassured that God's desire is to take care of me. He does not want to dangle wisdom out in front of me and snatch it away at the last moment. He does not want me to go hungry, or weary, or have nowhere to sleep. I believe those uglinesses about him sometimes, but they are such lies. He is a good God who loves to give good gifts, quickly, to his children.

So with that in mind, I think it's time for me to ask God to come sit in my bed with me and protect me from evil dreams tonight, and I'll go back to sleep.

“Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:9-11

i have a job

2011-10-16T18:19:00.003-05:00

So to catch up those of you who don't know, I have a new job.

The organization that I was interning for, World Relief, offered me an AmeriCorps position at the end of my internship, and I accepted. I am now an ESL teacher for our refugees.

I have 35 students in a room that holds 20 comfortably. I have a full range of levels, from students who don't know how to hold a pencil because they're illiterate in their own language, to students who worked as English interpreters in their home countries and are fully fluent. My students come from every background imaginable, Western urbanites to nomadic camel herdsmen. I teach two hours a day, four days a week, but for every hour in class I spend five outside of class planning these multi-level lessons and designing materials tailored to my students' needs. New students show up in class every week, and stay anywhere from two months to a year, depending on how long it takes them to find a job. It's a crazy job. And I love it.

I feel like the luckiest person in the world that I get to have this job. I love my courageous, humorous, vulnerable students. I love the insanely cool staff I work with. I love the heart of the organization I get to work for. I love the journey of learning the art of teaching well.

I'm excited for you to come with me on this journey.
Maybe it will even make you want to find ways to befriend the lonely in your community.

oh yeah she's pretty

2011-08-15T23:11:00.004-05:00

I got to meet my niece Lucy for the first time on Friday, eight days old.

She's a winner.

This is one of her older brothers, Luke, and her older sister, Clara, with my mom.

Having them as nieces and nephews makes me the very luckiest.

a new buddy

2011-08-07T17:23:00.002-05:00

I have a new niece.
Her name is Lucy Bea.
How much more precious does it get?

Best part: I get to meet the beautiful little buddy on Friday. Can't wait! Photos to come. This is better than Christmas...

christmas is coming

2011-08-02T19:37:00.003-05:00

I am so ready for Christmas!! Today was the first day that I really became antsy about it coming. I'm so serious. It may be August, but I can't wait. Favorite day of the whole year. Maybe it will help to start pulling out the holiday music...

144.5 days.

downtown cornerstone

2011-07-31T19:51:00.005-05:00

This is the church that is my home in Seattle.

The Vision - Downtown Cornerstone Church from Downtown Cornerstone Church on Vimeo.

all the other kids with the pumped-up kicks, you'd better run, better run...

2011-07-30T18:28:00.036-05:00

Heyheyhey ya'll.

So I ran my first 10K today. Heck yes.

I ran for an organization called 4US that raises money to buy ultrasound machines for crisis pregnancy centers. In the last 6 years, they have raised enough money to buy 15 machines, which cost about $31,000 each, typically last for about 10 years, and have great results: 96% of women who see their babies for the first time on a 4US machine choose to bring those children into the world, meaning that 2000+ choices for life are made as the result of each 4US machine. This is an issue that is obviously controversial, and that I have wrestled with a lot, but that is super close to my heart. The organization is pretty cool, and seems to be pretty creative and effective with the way that it engages with society; check it out at http://www.4us.org/.

Also, these people know how to have a party. This event was big and fun and included a free pancake breakfast, coffee and orange juice (which happens to be my very most favorite food), and multiple bounce houses!

And just when you thought it couldn't get any better, there was a bluegrass band too. Oh man. The event was well organized in a beautiful park with kind volunteers everywhere and lots of families having a ball. There were 5 and 10K runs and walks, bike rides, little kid races, and tons of activities. Basically, except for the fact that my friends and family weren't standing along the course to cheer me on, it was everything that a run should be.

I finished 31 out of 83 total, 5th out of 11 females in the 20-29 age range, which is a solid and shameless performance (haha, I would not have told you my results if they were bad), and even knocked it out under my goal time of an hour, finishing in 59 minutes and 33 seconds. After the race I ate some more awesome free food and sprawled out on the grass in 75 degrees of sunshine to talk to some people I love on the phone for a couple hours. It's good to acknowledge good days.

Next weekend: the Tacoma Narrows Half Marathon. No joke. It's gonna be an adventure...

why am i here?

2011-07-17T17:07:00.006-05:00

I am doing this internship because...

I have committed my life to God's passions.
God cares fiercely about the vulnerable and broken.
I want to proclaim the gospel by loving people in the darkest and scariest places of life.
Refugees exist, by their identity, in one of the darkest and scariest places of a broken, sinful world.
I love working with people, am fascinated by languages, and have an instinctive desire to understand international dynamics.

All of these things add up to make me think that maybe one of the places where God can use me really well for the service of his kingdom is in the field of refugee work. This internship is a first tentative step of faith. It is being faithful to what little vision God has given me. I pray often that if he can use me better elsewhere, that he would make that very clear to me. My heart has very strong, conflicting emotions about being here and doing this, especially because it means that I can't be present and invested in Kansas City, but I am relying on the steady, faithful wisdom of God to guide me.

If you take the time to pray for me, I would ask that you would pray this from the first chapter of Colossians: "We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light."

Thanks for reading, ya'll.

"Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms." 1 Peter 4:10

little eugene is very sick

2011-07-13T21:49:00.003-05:00

My poor little computer (affectionately known as Eugene, in honor of the endearingly awkward ginger from Adventures in Odyssey... anyone? anyone?) is sick and has to go to the computer hospital where he will be treated by friendly nurses from the Geek Squad.

Until his illness is diagnosed, I will have only library internet. The blog posts will likely be short and sweet, but I do intend to keep them coming, so check back soon.

Heartfelt get-well cards for Eugene can be addressed in care of me, and I'll see that he gets them. Balloons and boxes of chocolates are also welcome.

another new city

2011-06-20T19:45:00.006-05:00

Hi all! I'm in Seattle!!

I moved here last week to do an internship with an organization called World Relief: http://worldrelief.org/ They are an international humanitarian organization that does sweet work in a bunch of countries around the world, primarily through the local church. The organization also has offices in the U.S., and these offices focus on refugee resettlement, which is what I'll be learning the ins and outs of this summer.

Our refugees come from all over the world, but we have high concentrations from Burma, Bhutan, Iraq, Somalia, and Eritrea. They have all been persecuted, most to the point that their lives were in danger, for their ethnicity, religion, class, political position, or other aspect of their identity. They have all fled to another country, many congregating in refugee camps within which they often become prisoners. Very few ever succeed in being accepted for resettlement in the U.S. or another third country, less than one half of one percent, and that is after an average stay in a refugee camp of eighteen years.

When refugees are accepted by a government like the United States to come resettle within that country, they are connected with one of a few accepted agencies such as World Relief. WR and other resettlement agencies welcome the refugees when they arrive at the airport, set up host homes for their initial arrival, arrange apartments or houses for them and assist them with rent, orient them to the culture and the country, help them shop for groceries, help them learn public transit systems, teach them English, enroll their children in school, take them to the doctor and dentist, help them find employment, help them apply for social security cards, state IDs, medical insurance, benefits, etc., and try to welcome and connect them to their new community. The government only assists refugees for the first 1-3 months after their arrival, and agencies are typically able to offer services for 3-6 months, though we try to connect the families to volunteers who are willing to befriend them and followup with them for the long haul.

It's rough. These people don't necessarily dream of moving to the United States, but they are forced out of their homes by oppression, violence, and persecution. Many come here with no connections. Many leave family behind, even children or spouses. Many were farmers and have no transferable job skills. Many grew up in refugee camps and know no other life. Many know no English. Some have never even learned to read and write in their own language. Many have severe psychological trauma from the violence they have endured.

In light of all that, it's exciting and hope-giving to step into an organization like World Relief that cares about these vulnerable people deeply and strives to serve them with excellence.

So why am I doing this internship? That's another blog post entirely, but I'll try to make it soon. Until then, if you want to keep in touch, send a care package, write a postcard, look me up on Google Earth, etc., my contact info is:

1208 E. Smith St., Apt. 3
Kent, WA 98030

meganallynkennedy@gmail.com

skypename: megan_allyn

I love you guys.

Peace.

"When an alien lives with you in your land, do not mistreat him. The alien living with you must be treated as one of your native-born. Love him as yourself, for you were aliens in Egypt. I am the Lord your God." Leviticus 19:33-34

if the whole body were an eye

2010-10-14T13:18:00.003-05:00

"But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be?" 1 Corinthians 12:18-19

I have had many thoughts lately about this verse. Here is an excerpt from something I read today by Lisbeny Duran. More thoughts coming on this one.

"While some of us are called to impact the world in a tremendous and notable way, or to lead a megachurch in a huge city, some of us may also be called to resolve the conflict in the everyday, be it the widow down the street, the children who need a tutor in the local elementary, or the depressed girl who attends church every once in a while. Because honestly, if all of us were pastors and leaders, who would they lead?

I do not know if my calling is right here, or if God wants me on the other side of the world. But wherever it is that I am meant to be, I'm learning, bit by bit, day by day, how to open my heart up to it and accept the imminent and inevitable change."

is facebook killing your soul?

2010-10-02T09:00:00.010-05:00

I picked up my new issue of Relevant recently (Heck yes, Relevant magazine. Don't judge me.) and as I scanned the front cover my eyes alighted on "IS FACEBOOK KILLING YOUR SOUL? p. 72"

I was so excited.

For those who haven't participated in this minor drama in my life, I am a non-Facebooker. (I really need to come up with a more interesting name for this phenomenon.) I have waffled and wavered, I've hemmed and hawed, I've even lied about it, promising friends "I'll get one at the end of the year..." or "I'll get one when I go overseas..." or "I'll get one when I graduate..." But they were all flat-out, if useful, lies.

I wrinkled the pages all up in my rush to get to page 72. The main argument was that Facebook changes the way we think and the way we perceive and interact in the real world as well as the cyber-world. The author explains it simply: "Our thinking patterns begin to mirror the things we use to think with." Some of the changes seem to be neutral, some not so good, and some just interesting. Consider these suggestions by the author:

We now think in webs rather than lines.
We value flexible, fast intuition over hard, slow, laborious rationality.
We prefer short, simple messages over lengthy, uninterrupted essays.

He also has some more concerning observations:

"While there is a little voyeurism, there is a lot of exhibitionism on Facebook... Voyeurism is what happens when you steal glimpses into people's lives they don't intend for you to see. The people I'm looking at want me to see everything I'm seeing. They want me to know what they're eating, wearing, feeling and thinking in each moment... Such exhibitionism has an unusual effect on us... We become fascinated by the image we project. It's like having a mirror on your desk or in your pocket. And every so often, you pull it out to gaze upon your own image. Perhaps you want to adjust your hair or find postures of the head to smooth out the double chin. This kind of regular self-inspection eventually gives rise to a subtle narcissism."

"We endlessly noodle, refine, create and consume a digital projection we want others to see. However, we are rarely what we project. This image approximates reality, but it is not reality... This is hardly new, of course. In any social situation, we seek to control the impression we give. The problem is that in real social settings, there are limits to what we can hide... Over enough time, [Facebook's] subtle effect creates a minor split in us. A split between who we are, and who we think we are. This tiny fracture may seem insignificant, but if we remain unconscious, it leads us away from a life of wholeness and integration."

And finally, Facebook (and Twitter) "begs me to step out of the stream of experience long enough to record it... This may seem insignificant. But our presence matters. Our brief but increasingly frequent moments of absence add up. Imagine a father who flickers in and out of a child's life every time he checks his iPhone. He might be there physically, but he may as well be at the office or on a business trip. People can feel our absence... It is a ghost-like condition. It diminishes one of God's greatest gifts to us- a body. There is a reason God made us with bodies. There is a reason God became a body in Jesus. The incarnation is about becoming a body to bless the world through physical presence in the lives of others. To hold the hand of those who grieve, to feed and clothe those who are poor, to love those who are alone by being with them. Many of these technologies create a condition of absence in a world desperate for our presence."

I think the reason the first one hits home for me so much is that I have experienced a gentler version of this just by blogging. When I blog I am clamoring for people to look at me, look at what I'm doing and what I'm thinking and where I'm going and who I'm with. Obsessing over my image, even in a blog, is a huge temptation. I want to shape who I am into who I want to be. Which is not a bad thing. The problem is that when it comes to social media like this, who I want to be is not the image of Christ, but rather a cooler version of Megan.

This is why I can't get Facebook. I think some people can handle it fine and use it well. I'm terrified I wouldn't be able to, that it would suck me deeper into a self-absorption and insecurity I've struggled with all my life. I don't think I'm strong enough for Facebook, pathetic as that sounds.

The third point I think goes both ways. Yes, technology like this can make us absent even when we're present. But at the same time, it can also make us present even when we're absent. If I don't see a close friend all day, I can text her just to let her know that I'm thinking about her and I love her, even when I can't be in her presence. But I have to be very cautious and wise that when I am present with someone, I am fully present with them, and not darting away to talk to someone I find more interesting.

So I'll just leave you with a promise: I will try to be aware of my lurking self-obsession so that I can fight it back and be real with you and truly interested in you. Please give me grace as God sorts out this messiness in me, and know that I love you, even if I'm really bad at loving you.

Oh, and one final amusing, but insightful, snippet: "Updates may be profound, but more often they are mostly a twitch of the brain- a mental fidget adding to the static of the universe."

new characters in my story

2010-09-24T07:23:00.006-05:00

I just looked through my pictures, and these are the only exciting ones from the last few weeks:

two cool (maybe...) girls I've been lucky enough to get to know a bit lately, Toni & Ty

I almost put up a picture of this really cool shiny green and orange bug I found on one of my plants, but then I was afraid you'd think that Ty and Toni are on the same level as the bug in terms of how much interest they add to my life, which is not at all true. So just know that the bug was insane.

I've started working at an elementary school doing the before and after school program. I have twenty first-graders to plan activities for every day, and while their favorite things include tattletaling, crying, silly-bands, screaming, tugging on my shirt, and throwing their snack wrappers across the table at each other when they think I'm not looking, they also love giving hugs, holding my hand, and playing four-square, and so I think they're awesome. My favorite moment recently came from one of my girls who grabbed my hand during snack time, when they're all supposed to be sitting down, and asked if she could go get something out of her backpack. I said "What?" She said "Something." I said "What?" She, growing more impatient, said "Something!" I said "What?" She clenched her fists in frustration, and then, with her face grave and her eyes wide, tried to make me understand the urgency of the matter: "This is a serious silly-band situation!"

We had our first meeting last night for my new small group at my church, Redeemer Fellowship. Meeting people for the first time can be awfully fun to me because you get to create your first impression according to your whimsy. I wore Meredith's trendy bracelet to help me feel hip. (: It was beautiful. Our leaders are authentically warm and welcoming. There's a great mix of four married couples, four singles, and four freaking cute kids. I met people who share some of my passions. The atmosphere was free and embracing. I can't wait to get to know this group of people more closely.

Fall retreat is this weekend for camp, so I'll have some sweet photos after that.

In closing, what do you think of this?
"Christ died for men precisely because men are not worth dying for;
to make them worth it."

sultry summer, shooting stars, sinking sand

2010-08-14T13:02:00.008-05:00

I haven't blogged in a long time. I've probably lost all my faithful readers. There's just not a lot exciting going on in my life right now.

That's not exactly true. I've spent some beautiful (if oppressively hot) days at camp. I've been calling all my freshmen mentees and getting to know them. I've been making homemade ice cream and watching meteor showers with my little sisters. All of which has been great.

Other breaking news:
- It's hot as Hades here in Kansas. I ate ice cream for lunch today.
- I ordered all of my textbooks for this fall and only spent $68.54. Oh, the benefits of being a political science major.
- I saw thirty-five shooting stars last night. They were magnificent. Number 24 was the most incredible one I've ever seen: the fire trail in the atmosphere stayed glowing for a good fifteen seconds.
- I get to move back in with my beautiful roommate in five days.

There are a few things coming up that I'm super excited about, and a few things that I'm terrified about, but I've been reminded in recent days that "My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness." That is where I'm standing. It's the only place I can stand; everything else is pretty shaky right now: relationships, plans, achievements. Yet Christ has proven himself faithful and I cling to that once again.

My hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
but wholly lean on Jesus' name.

When darkness veils his lovely face,
I rest on his unchanging grace;
in every high and stormy gale
my anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, his covenant, his blood
support me in the whelming flood;
when every earthly prop gives way,
he then is all my hope and stay.

When he shall come with trumpet sound,
oh, may I then in him be found,
dressed in his righteousness alone,
faultless to stand before the throne.

On Christ the solid rock I stand; all other ground is sinking sand.

All other ground is sinking sand.

life after

2010-07-11T21:30:00.023-05:00

Transition is dumb. I hate it. And yes, 'dumb' is the exact correct word to reflect the emotion that transition brings over me: a childish resentment of something I dislike. The adult Megan embraces transition for the 'bloomabilities' it offers. But the childish side of Megan resents the disruption of the comfortableness and happiness she has finally established in her world. Er, I mean, my world.

Transition makes me feel like that though: like I have to withdraw outside of myself and manipulate myself, manipulate Megan, like a puppeteer to morph her to the situation.

Transition is sticky and messy and involves a lot of social ceremonies and repetitive conversations and weakness.

Transition seems to throw away what you've built and it won't even let you just rebuild, it demands that you construct something creative and new.

To sum it up, it's dumb.

But moving on to the present... what a week. Oh man.

Teen Girls Camp 2010.
Kelley got married. To Russ.
Slumber party of the decade.

It was sweet. Check it out.

Mis chicas bonitas:

Oh-livia:

Becs:

J:

Aimee:

Darion:

Rowdy good times at Teen Girls:

I hardly had time to feel sad when my wonderful girls left, because that evening was the wedding of the year!! My wickedawesome dorm resident director for two years, Kelley, got married to her lucky pastor man, Russ.

And then so many of my favorite girls crowded into Luce's apartment for an epic slumber party. Yes please.

My blessings are pressed down, shaken together, and running over.

ps- This is my 100th blog post! Happy birthday little blog! How much can happen in 100 posts...

whatcha say

2010-06-29T19:29:00.004-05:00

I have so many things to say, so many thoughts, but I can't find the words for them. I've sat down in front of my computer multiple times and tried to fit my recent passions and sorrows and fears and meditations and epiphanies into twenty-six letters, and I'm not creative enough to be successful. Hence the blog silence.

Some thoughts: I miss my home in Oxford. I love my home in Kansas. My love for my home at camp is being clarified and illuminated.

Even now, reading back that attempt at communication, I want to delete it because it's not very articulate.

Dr. Alpern says that if you can't express something with the correct, accurate words, it is unlikely that you really know it. Maybe. Maybe he's just being his difficult self.

articulate
-adjective: expressed, formulated, or presented with clarity and effectiveness

t minus 3

2010-06-20T16:17:00.004-05:00

I have been posting ridiculous amounts of randomness lately. Sorry. The impending transition is just scattering my thoughts.

So lets just make a running post.

3:30 pm: Went to the Pitt Rivers Museum and it is freaking cool. A collection of all that is curious and curiouser, assembled by an eccentric collector in the early 1900s. I got to see shrunken heads, a mummy, samurai swords, and dinosaur eggs. Heck yeah.

10:20 pm: I'm packing. I weighed my suitcase before and after packing my tshirts. Learned that I have 10 pounds worth of t-shirts. I think I have a problem.

11:57 pm: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G92OgJ6ZGWc
All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.

oxford bucket list

2010-06-20T13:47:00.004-05:00

things on my "must do in last week in Oxford" list:

punting- check
botanical garden- to do
dinner at Edamame- to do
wander Magdalen College- to do
coffee at Georgina's- check
Bodleian- to do
chapel morning prayer- check
Pitt Rivers museum- check
tea at the Vaults- check
love on people- can't get enough in

tonight's gonna be a good night

2010-06-18T17:36:00.003-05:00

Stopped by the bop for a few minutes. I just had to go when I heard "I gotta feeling..." (:

Stood there soaking up the sweaty, loud, sticky, raucous, wonderfulness of so many people that I love belting it out at the top of their lungs, running around dressed like jellyfish and insects, dancing with absurdity. It ain't a sight to be missed. I want to brand it on my memory. I love it and I love them and I will miss them incredibly.

paper #36

2010-06-18T15:15:00.003-05:00

Good news: ONE MORE PAPER LEFT TO WRITE!!!

Bad news: ITS FRIDAY NIGHT OF 8TH WEEK TRINITY AND I'M SITTING IN THE LIBRARY WRITING A PAPER. I CAN HEAR SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE REMIX TUNES COMING FROM THE BOP IN THE JCR ACROSS THE QUAD. AND I'M NOT THERE.

Sigh. Almost there.

my campus

2010-06-17T11:03:00.004-05:00

William Jewell is famous!! Pity it couldn't be for something cool like a Nobel Prize winner or a president or something.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbBSimp84KA

we all scream

2010-06-15T12:34:00.003-05:00

G&D's white chocolate may have just pushed dulce de leche out of my top three favorite ice cream flavors... perfection in a cone.

you bring me joi

2010-06-14T17:19:00.005-05:00

Three cheers for Melody, the awesomest housemate EVER who is celebrating her 21st today!!!

She has been my travel buddy and my all-night essay crisis companion. She has forgiven my dirty dishes, encouraged me in Christ, and probably added three years to my life through laughter. We share a morbid fascination with all things Gaga, Bieber, and Twilight, as well as a permanent craving for Mexican food. She inspires me to run farther, write more, and laugh harder. I seriously could not have asked for a better housemate and one of the greatest blessings of Oxford has been the gain of her friendship.

I love you, babe. Thanks for being epically brilliant!!

sunday nights

2010-06-13T16:18:00.006-05:00

We had our college Final Fling Saturday night: half ball, half party, all fun. Good times all around. Seriously wicked fun, and we lived it to the max, partying 'til the sun came up (literally). Photos to come!

So that was Saturday night. But Sunday night was a bit different. The evening was filled with sitting with Liz and Hayley in the warm Spencer House kitchen, just laptopping and chatting and being together, heavy cleansing rain falling outside, hum of the dishwasher running, chilling to Carla Bruni. I don't know if it's a character flaw, it's certainly a flaw in my social development, but I'd take Sunday over Saturday any day. There's something about the quiet peace of being utterly relaxed with people and surroundings that the bright lights of entertainment and fancy dress and loud music and glitter can't compare with.

Sigh. So I have social issues. But I am deeply grateful that I have friends (and housemates) who give freedom and embrace me even at my oddest and most awkward. And I'm so grateful for Sunday nights.

three things i love about oxford

2010-06-02T08:55:00.003-05:00

1. The freedom: political, spiritual and ideological. Today on Turl Street I saw a table set up with posters reading "Marxism 2010: Ideas to Change the World." And a banner reading "Socialist Workers Party." Here's to boldness.

2. Bob MacIntyre. My hard disk was failing, but he replaced it and saved all of my data! AND he gave me more memory so my computer actually functions properly. Awesome.

3. My friend Dave. He's soft-spoken and gentle and always has a kind word to speak.

For all these things and more, I give thanks.

orientation

2010-05-29T13:17:00.007-05:00

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." C.S. Lewis

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:1-5

"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." Hebrews 6:19a

slowly falling apart

2010-05-29T12:07:00.006-05:00

We got bumped today, but that doesn't really matter. I'm so pleased with what we did accomplish in the last four days. I think we (and I know I) left everything on the river today. We gave it everything we had.

But I'm struggling. Today was my first taste of the end of this piece of my life. At the beginning of the year I determined to be fully present here, loving people and life without being afraid of the fact that I was leaving in a year. And now I know I've succeeded, because it hurts so much.

That's it. That's the real and raw and honest deal. I am once again breaking.

summer viiis days two and three = victory

2010-05-28T16:51:00.003-05:00

Yesterday we rowed over, which means that we rowed the length of the course without bumping or getting bumped, and today we bumped for the second time! We had a Worcester team breathing down our necks, but we nailed the boat in front of us from Balliol College faster than the team behind us could catch up with us.

I can't believe we only have one row left. It's going to be great...

If you're reading this and you live in Oxford, get your bum down to the river tomorrow afternoon and cheer us on!

we did it

2010-05-27T01:44:00.006-05:00

We did it. The LRA Disarmament and Northern Uganda Recovery Act has finally been passed by Congress AND signed into law by Obama! Thanks be to God! I can't believe it has finally happened. When people are passionate and stubborn enough and make enough noise, the government listens. Here's a summary from Resolve Uganda of what the act is designed to do:

"For over twenty years the Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA) has terrorized communities in central Africa, attacking civilians and abducting tens of thousands of children in four countries. The bipartisan LRA Disarmament and Northern Uganda Recovery Act, which passed Congress May 13, 2010 will help stop the immediate violence and end one of Africa’s longest-running conflicts by:

1.Stopping the LRA, by mandating President Obama to devise an interagency strategy to prevent LRA violence, which should include a multilateral plan to apprehend top LRA leaders, encourage defections of rebel commanders, demobilize child soldiers, and protect civilians from rebel attacks; and

2.Investing in sustainable peace, by targeting US assistance to recovery and reconciliation efforts in northern Uganda, which are essential to rebuilding and healing war-affected communities and preventing future conflicts."

It's good. The United States government has finally publicly acknowledged that this is a massive issue and that it is our responsibility to be active in multilateral efforts to stop the violence, protect the innocent, and invest in healing the region. And now that it's law, there are plenty of well-equipped, passionate organizations that are going to hold them to their word.

And did you read that part about "apprehending top LRA leaders"? That's right, it is now LAW to pursue Joseph Kony, that man who has abducted 66,000 children into his rebel army and forced them to commit alongside him horrible atrocities against innocent civilians, including their own communities. Let the search begin.

If you want to read the full text of the act, you can find it here.

Oh, and I am proud to say that my senator, Sam Brownback, was one of the original five bipartisan cosponsors. By the time it was passed, the original five had been joined by 65 cosponsors in the Senate and 201 cosponsors in the house (including every Kansas representative). Obama had a special signing ceremony for the act and released a great statement about it that you can read here.

"Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for a man to humble himself? Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed and for lying on sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord?
Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter- when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard." Isaiah 58:5-8

"When the righteous thrive, the people rejoice;
when the wicked rule, the people groan...
By justice a king gives a country stability,
but one who is greedy for bribes tears it down." Proverbs 29:2, 4

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

summer viiis day one = victory

2010-05-26T11:52:00.005-05:00

We bumped in our boat race today!!!

Basically, boat racing at Oxford is bumps racing, which means that the boats start off a length and a half apart from each other and the goal is to achieve a "bump" by getting any part of your boat to hit the boat in front of you. (Dangerous, I know...) We bumped the Keble College boat in front of us very quickly, only a minute or two into the race, which was awesome!

Our men's team did well too. While they didn't get a bump, they didn't get bumped either, which is an achievement in itself.

Three more days of racing left to go...

another one

2010-05-23T22:34:00.001-05:00

Sorry all my blogs lately have been about rowing. My life is just pretty straightforward right now. I row, I make coffee, I write papers. That's pretty much it.
And so please notice the time on this post. Yes, that's right, it's 4:30 am. Why the heck am I awake?? Because I have to be at the boathouse to row at 5:10 am. That's all. I admit that I'm a morning person. But 4:30 hardly counts as morning. When I walk down to the boathouse, even the ducks aren't awake yet; they're still sleeping in the grass.
Only one more week of this, though. Summer VIIIs, the big race, is this week, and it's going to be a blast. If I get some pictures of it, I'll post them soon! (Like you really want to see another rowing post.)

as yourself

2010-05-21T02:51:00.004-05:00

I still love that rowing thing, but it kicked my butt this morning.

On a happier note, I was the one dominating at my tutorial yesterday.

Life lesson: you try as hard as you can, and at the end of the day, you give yourself grace.

megan is my name, rowing is my game.

2010-05-17T09:30:00.004-05:00

Seriously, how does it get better? Early morning, boat sliding through the fog like Pirates of the Caribbean, the camaraderie of your team... yes.

indian institute

2010-05-15T03:07:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting in the Indian Institute Library. This place is epic. The rare, string-bound books are strangely organized onto metal shelves in a dim, silent room with handwritten notes explaining "58 B continues in the small bookshelf on the carrel to your right." It's the type of place that a killer would wait for his victim, in the dark cranny behind the PAK 12 overflow shelf where the faint hum from the maintenance room can cover his stalker breathing. When you walk down the rows, it smells of dust and cloth bindings and your head brushes against the swinging light cords, though few of them are turned on. I didn't bring a pen, so I can't leave slips where I've taken books; they'll never know. Most of the people in the small adjacent reading area are serious, probably grad students, though there is a couple at the back table flirting with smiles and whispers. I sat down across from a precious old man in a Gandhi cap for inspiration.

Anyway, back to work. Books can't be checked out, so I'll probably be spending a lot of time here over the weekend. If you don't hear from me in the next few weeks, you might check behind the PAK 12 overflow shelf...

you make me feel happy

2010-05-14T06:21:00.010-05:00

Today is my friend Maria's birthday. What better way to kick off a birthday than with a French-themed picnic breakfast in Christ Church Meadows?? Answer: there absolutely isn't one.

Maria, Emma, and Charlotte.

Ruth, Abbie, Alison, and Nadine.

Maria cutting her birthday cake.

Alison, Ruth, Angie, Maria, Charlotte, Hannah, and Emma.

Broad Walk in front of Christ Church.

sunshine + picnic blanket + camembert + sweet girls = happy

the corner of 1st and amistad

2010-05-05T01:34:00.001-05:00

So... I have a question: where the heck is God?

Not emotionally, just physically. Literally, WHERE is he?

Outside the known universe? Isn't that contradictory, the known universe is what we know exists? In some other dimension? All dimensions are physical, aren't they? Is he something other than matter and energy, and if so what? I mean, matter and energy are what are. Other things are really explainable through the physical processes going on in our brains.

I may be talking complete rubbish, because I'm very ignorant in science, but this is a question that really troubles an atheist friend of mine. I don't know, it doesn't really weigh heavy on my mind and I'm not particularly concerned about it, but to her, it's a massive question. And so because she cares, I care. Thoughts, anyone? I'll take any ideas I can get at this point.

they all had to have been made up by somebody at some point...

2010-05-04T05:20:00.006-05:00

I love inventing new words for essays!

Today's new word of the day:
theodicizer [thee-OD-uh-sahy-zer] –noun, plural -cizers.
one who tries to create a theodicy. Ka-bam.

may morning

2010-05-01T00:47:00.006-05:00

It's 6:45 am and I've already been up for two hours. May morning is an epic event in the life of the Oxford student population. Everyone goes out the night before, the really committed (and even moderately committed) stay up all night. We collected a massive group of people in Regent's at 5:15 this morning and traipsed down to Magdalen College, where this is the scene that awaited us:

We lost quite a few of our bunch in the crowd, and then waited half an hour for the promised thrill of the Magdalen choir coming out to sing from the top of the bell tower.

As you can see in the video, there are neon-garbed police guarding the bridge so that people don't jump off it and impale themselves on rusty bicycle bits at the bottom. When the magical moment actually arrived, it was... less than magical. We were so close under the tower that we could hardly hear the choir and there was more attention on the random attempts by staggering performers to streak across the bridge than anything else.

It's not all a let-down, though, because the vast majority of the restaurants in Oxford open up early to provide breakfast to starving revellers. And then, the crash. Good thing it's Saturday.

look no further

2010-04-28T04:13:00.005-05:00

"We are not merely imperfect creatures who must be improved: we are rebels who must lay down our arms."

Understanding that I am the problem changes everything about the way that I look at social ills, suffering, compassion, and my place in the world. I'm a pretty socially aware person. I volunteer, support movements, buy tshirts, email my representatives, go barefoot, give money, talk to people in different social strata. And so most of the time I think I'm pretty cool. I look for the problems on the outside: what other people have done, what our governments have done, what society has done, what natural disasters have done.

But really, the problem is on the inside. I am the problem. You can't see the deepest recesses of my heart, but I, sometimes, can, and I can tell you that there is darkness and nasty goop. When I'm honest, I can see quite clearly where all of these ills arise.

Torture comes out of my anger.
War comes out of my greed.
Poverty comes out of my self-absorption.
Oppression comes out of my lust.
The most twisted crimes come out of my indulgence.

That's fundamental. Because if the problem is inside me, the solution sure isn't. I need something on the outside to change me and heal me and make me capable of healing the world.

evocation

2010-04-26T15:51:00.005-05:00

Spring has just established itself in England, but I smelled summer cycling home tonight. It smelled like cut grass and dusk and fireflies.

guest column!!!

2010-04-24T14:56:00.006-05:00

My grandmother thinks that I don't put enough details in my blog. So... here is her very own guest column where she can put anything and everything!
;)

From Mary Jo:

This part of Megan's blog is for family and us old people. I doubt her friends would be interested in this. I told Megan we need to hear more about her life here and she said everyone wouldn't be interested in that, but those in her family are, I told her. So here is my boring blog:

We have all wondered what the restaurant was like where Megan works. So here is a picture or two of Morton's. You will see Megan behind the counter waiting on customers.

This is the London Eye that Megan and Tuila rode on, the second largest observation wheel in the world. Wonder why Allen didn't go :-). I had an excuse. Lloyd was exhausted and we stayed behind a bit and of course I had to stay with him.

I cannot believe I am still alive and living. I have never walked so far and so long, never walked up and down so many steps in my life. It seems you have to go up stairs to go down stairs and down stairs to go up stairs. This going up and down was in the train, bus and underground, tube, or whatever it is called. It seemed everyone in London was busy walking to wherever they were going, too fast for me. Few people drive cars, they walk, and walk, and walk and go up and down stairs.
Megan walks and walks and walks almost everywhere she goes. I understand she does ride her bike quite a bit and it is a wonder she is still alive the way the traffic is. I am amazed though that I haven't seen any dented fenders or any dead bodies lying in the street. We were at City Centre today and Lloyd took a picture of some of the many many bikes parked there.

The girls living in Megan's apt are very thrifty. I won't get into all what I feel are necessities that they live without. I guess when you are a poor student you learn to live without.

We brought wonderful weather with us from the states. Everyone told us to bring raincoats and umbrellas. We only saw a very light mist for a few minutes. It was colder in Scotland and Ireland that I had anticipated and we had to buy additional jackets. As warm as it was in the U.S. when we left I just couldn't believe it could be cold here and we did not heed their advise to take warm clothes. It was beautiful here today in Oxford, probably in the upper 60's.

The scenery is beautiful, georgeous old buildings and castles. But I still like Topeka best.

Don't know what we would have done without Megan guiding us around the train and bus stations. We couldn't understand what was being said when they were making announcements even though they were supposedly speaking English. All the time Megan was so cool and collected and didn't once make a mistake. There are many languages spoken here in the UK and we didn't hear English very often.

There is some delicious looking food in the grocery stores. I wish I could take some of it home with me but don't have room. Megan cooked us a couple delicious meals. She says she really enjoys cooking.

It has been great being here and traveling and especially being with Megan. But we are ready to come home and will see you all soon. Brittany - let Lucky out of the closet!!!!

edinburgh epistle

2010-04-22T14:15:00.014-05:00

I've got some work to do on my pictures before I put up my faves from Edinburgh, but I promised someone I'd keep my blog updated while my family is here... (:

After three days in London we spent an entire day traveling to Edinburgh.

This is the first stop in Scotland.

The country is freaking cold, but gorgeous.

I was not prepared for the austere stone magnificence of Edinburgh architecture. Yet although the city has a cold, aloof appearance, the people are warm and vibrant. Check out this sweet city.

Seth was our fantastic and hysterically quirky tour guide in Edinburgh and he was the one who brought the cold city to life.

Tuila and Allen and I took a few hours and climbed an extinct volcano on the edge of Edinburgh called Arthur's Seat. We scorned the beaten trail and got into some sketchy rock climbing! It was hard to get a photo that captured how epic this little adventure was, but check this out,

and then calculate that we didn't climb the crag in the foreground where you see the people standing, but instead the one in the left background that was maybe twice as tall. Here's another angle.

All in all, I think Edinburgh was everyone's favorite. That's just because they haven't experienced Oxford yet... ;)

london city

2010-04-17T15:13:00.014-05:00

Day one of fantastic family fun...

bus tour:

Thames cruise:

London Eye:

ice cream:

Day two...

Harrod's department store:

Hyde Park:

horseback riding:

evensong at Westminster Abbey:

ice cream... oh yeah, it's a wonderful life.

old world meets new world

2010-04-16T02:46:00.004-05:00

In London with my precious grandparents and aunt and uncle. They are so cute, and it's so fun to have them here.

the edge

2010-04-13T02:55:00.007-05:00

Listened to the engaging and inspiring debate between Student Senate cabinet candidates last night on Jewell's online radio station. Ah, Jewell radio... it exemplifies so much of the quirkiness we love and miss about Jewell. I feel like such a well-informed voter now. Now I just need to catch up on my Polka Power Hour!

this is haarlem

2010-04-11T07:18:00.005-05:00

I am in love with Haarlem.

Haarlem is a charming town twenty minutes from vibrant Amsterdam, and ever since I got back I've been scheming ways I could go live there for a year or two. University? Tour guide? Church plant? You only think I'm joking...

I hope this video shows you just a bit of the incredible beauty of this city, this country, and the Dutch people. They were my favorite.

holiday

2010-03-31T11:36:00.004-05:00

A carefree adventure to Amsterdam and Berlin with my favorite flatmate, Melody... is there a better way to spend a long weekend?

Well... I can think of a few, but they all involve flying back to the States. (:

So for now, it's off to Anne Frank and Corrie ten Boom's houses, tulip gardens, canals, windmills, pancakes, and of course, coffeehouses! Be back Tuesday...

blahg

2010-03-26T17:02:00.005-05:00

I am having a super duper lame Friday night.

There were certainly good things in this day. I'm staying at Karen's house tonight, and her hospitality is almost as beautiful as she is. I had tea with Francis and Penelope Warner for the first time today. I had a sweet skype date with Allyallyally Hall. I saw a wooly rhinocerous tooth at the Oxford city museum this morning. Yet despite all of this amazingness, I'm both physically and emotionally shot.

Out of the blue today I ran into two different struggling women who I've had repeated interactions with in the past. I am so very thankful that we have been put into each others' lives, and good things have come out of these strange relationships, and I have hope for more beauty to grow. Buuuut, those two brief conversations left me reeling, feeling as though I had been fastened to an emotional vacuum cleaner and sucked dry. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to love them. I am unable to give them what they ask of me and I am tearing myself to shreds to make sure that my inability is not just a facade masking unwillingness of heart.

This heart strain makes me more vulnerable to other things. Like loneliness. Like jealousy. Like boredom. Like blabbering confusingly on my blog. Yuck.

And so I'm going to bed at 10:30 on a Friday night. Goodnight life. If you could please be a little less overwhelming tomorrow, that would be great.

break my bones

2010-03-18T06:56:00.003-05:00

Tuesday afternon after I got off work I took a sandwich and some coffee down to David, a Big Issue seller in Oxford who I see a couple times a week. We were standing there talking and despite the warm sunny weather, he seemed so discouraged. When I asked, he told me he was just tired of the abuse. He always speaks to me, and I have observed to others, with the utmost politeness and kindness, asking them if they would like to buy a magazine with a quiet, gentle manner. But he told me that while some people respond politely, there are many others who will yell at him, tell him to "f*** off," or otherwise verbally abuse him. Sometimes he leaves his corner early because he's just weary of it.

I can't believe people would do that. What kind of brokenness inside of someone causes them to treat a struggling human being that way? Who do I hurt with my words? Carelessly spoken, shot off, unintentional, or measured, we all instinctively know the power of speech, and I have used mine to wound, stab, and isolate.

That night I watched Memoirs of a Geisha. The entire film is aching and sad, but ironically, the part where I started crying is when the little girl who has been taken from her family, abused and isolated, and then abandoned by her sister in a thwarted running-away attempt is standing on a bridge in the middle of town and a powerful businessman notices her, stops, speaks kindness into her life, cheers her up, and buys her some flavored ice. From that moment onward the girl's entire life purpose becomes to become a geisha, because then she will have a chance at a place in that businessman's world.

His words spoke kindness into her, revolutionized her life, gave her a purpose to live. I started crying because it frightened me. We have so much power.

My friend Lissha once told our teen girls at camp, "You have the power to speak life into people." I have never forgotten that phrase. That is a terrifying power, because it infers that we also have the power to do exactly the opposite. And we have this power not over objects of small importance, but over people. People who have been dearly bought, highly esteemed, redeemed in the suffering of God himself. We speak thousands of words every day. Each one is a choice.

Forgive me, Lord! For I am a woman of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty!

" They make their tongues as sharp as a serpent's; the poison of vipers is on their lips. Selah" Psalm 140:3

"Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal." 1 Corinthians 13:1

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?" James 3:9-11

a snapshot of life in oxfordland

2010-03-15T17:42:00.023-05:00

Random photo goodness...

I can't even play a violin, let alone play a violin on a tightrope. Walking backwards.

Enjoy the beautiful days when they come.

Extravagant beauty.

Ceilidh dancing on Burn's night.

Do I really live here?

Cornmarket Street. Saturday afternoon.

The college boathouses down by the Isis where we row.

The Jericho mural.

Jericho is a hip neighborhood in Oxford.

High Street as seen from St. Mary's tower.

Perfect Sunday afternoon.

A Brit, a Scot, and an American walked into a bar...

My dear otherworldly friend Holly.

Julia and Mel. Make up your own caption.

Gospel choir!

And now for some recent happiness from the bop Saturday night. Theme: circus and freaks.

Lottie and Holly. Me loves them.
Oh, and David. I guess I love him too.

Julia and I.

Dancin' it up.

Mis amigas.

YES.

Finally, and most importantly, I now own the most freaking awesome ensemble of six shades of sequin. What more does a girl need in her life?

Life is good. Life is hard. Life is b e a u t i f u l.

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future." Ecclesiastes 7:14

"Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do." Ecclesiastes 9:7

this is krakow

2010-03-10T12:05:00.005-06:00

I was only in Krakow for a few hours, but the city stuck itself firmly in my heart and memory. It was a cold, dark, magical winter wonderland. Bustling with life and vitality, but serene and dreamy. And friendly, drawing you in, coaxing you to explore further. I hope someday I will be able to go back. Thought we've only met once, I have the feeling Krakow and I will reunite like old friends.

This is what I saw when I was there.

The architecture.

The Christmas markets on the main square.

It's probably a good thing I was only there at night. It was so dreamlike, the entire city probably disappeared with the morning light.

Not joking. It really might have all disappeared after I left.
Like an enchanted city in a fairytale...

"When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion, we were like men who dreamed." Psalm 126:1

refining

2010-03-07T12:01:00.006-06:00

Why do we like quotes so much? Or why do we sing along to songs, or play them to complement our emotions? Because we recognize that somebody said something that echoes within us, but they said it better than we could say it. Sometimes they say things that we don't even know have an echo inside of us until they say it.

Anyways... I read an excerpt from Don Miller this week that really explains a lot of what I'm feeling about this time of my life, about life in general, about growing, changing, refining. Maybe quotes or song lyrics are cop-out blog posts, but it's what I'm thinking about and dwelling on, so I want to share it with you. Yep, you.

"I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently. Only the good stories have the characters different at the end than they were at the beginning."

I want to change. I want to come back from this year different than I was. Simply because that's what's good and right. To refine.

"And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men." Luke 2:52

oh the things you will see

2010-03-04T04:03:00.003-06:00

Really, England?

"Who is this coming up from the desert like a column of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and incense made from all the spices of the merchant? Look! It is Solomon's carriage, escorted by sixty warriors, the noblest of Israel..." Song of Solomon 3:6-7

this is prague

2010-03-02T17:25:00.001-06:00

I've dreamed of going to Prague for ages. I have a vivid memory (who knows if it's real or not) of being pretty little, maybe seven or eight?, and looking through my big sister Annie's black-n-white photographs of Prague architecture (Anne, feel free to declare whether or not this memory can possibly be true, and if it is, how long ago would it have been anyway??). Partly because I thought my big sister was freaking cool, and partly because the photos were insanely beautiful, I decided right then and there that someday I would go to Prague. And take black and white photos of the buildings. And so I did.

The end.

(Or the beginning?)

But there are a few things in Prague that just can't be captured in black-and-white:

And my very favorite:

"Lift up your heads, O you gates;
be lifted up, you ancient doors,
that the King of glory may come in." Psalm 24:7

make up your mind already

2010-02-27T09:31:00.004-06:00

Today's weather update from Oxford:

sun
rain
snow
sun
rain
hail
rain
clouds
sun
clouds

Hev murcy.

"The Lord said,'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.'
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.
When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave..." 1 Kings 19:9b-13a

glory of the ordinary

2010-02-25T09:17:00.010-06:00

Golly, it's a good day.

Today was that amazing special first day that I didn't wear a coat out. It was a beautiful early-spring-feeling day. Now I'm sitting at my desk, listening to John Mayer, watching the rain outside and smelling it through the open window. It's not a spitting misty rain like normal in Oxford, but a strong, cleansing rain. Tonight I get to work in the Ebbe's kitchen with some of my favorite people. Somewhere in there, I'll write an economics essay, but that's okay. I might even bake some banana bread for our breakfast-and-prayer tomorrow morning. Oh, and my house is clean and my laundry is clean and there are yellow tulips spreading sunshine in my living room.

Life is broken, but seriously, it is also beautiful.

And in this daily beauty, this constant provision, the joy of labor, the glory of the ordinary, I worship my God. For it is daily that I meet with him, see his face, receive his provision, and treasure the way that his beauty overflows into the things that he makes, even the smallest of things.

"You heavens above, rain down righteousness;
let the clouds shower it down.
Let the earth open wide, let salvation spring up,
let righteousness grow with it;
I, the Lord, have created it." Isaiah 45:8

what fits us for service

2010-02-21T04:17:00.006-06:00

Rereading my journal always makes me so aware of my brokenness. My inability, my pettiness, my confusion, my weakness, my humility. But the writer of Hebrews has important words for me:

"The blood of goats and bulls and the ashes of a heifer sprinkled on those who are ceremonially unclean sanctify them so that they are outwardly clean. How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!" Hebrews 9:13-14

It is not I who make myself good; it is Christ who fits me for service, for servitude, for sonship to the living God.

Elisabeth Elliot wrote, "Is there any Christian who does not long for some special experience, vision, or feeling of the presence of God? This morning it seemed to me that unless I could claim such I was merely going through motions of prayer, meditation, reading; that the book I am writing on discipline will prove to be nothing but vanity and a striving after wind. The Lord brought yesterday's word to mind again with this emphasis: it is not any experience, no matter how exciting, not any vision, however vivid and dazzling, not any feeling, be it ever so deep that fits me for service. It is the power of the blood of Christ. I am "made holy by the single unique offering of the body of Jesus Christ" (Heb 10:10), and by his blood "fit for the service of the living God." My spiritual numbness cannot cancel that--the blood will never lose its power."

This is so heartening, so emboldening, so vitalizing. It is Christ's sure and powerful redemption that fits us for service. We are inadequate, but he makes us adequate; we are broken, but he makes us strong; we are flawed, but he makes us right. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Let us therefore approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

And so I dearly hope this for you, my brothers and sisters, with great joy and expectation:

"May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen." Hebrews 13:20-21

beautiful people, beautiful places

2010-02-20T02:58:00.011-06:00

I have cherished having Kelly and Kaitlin and Lucy here this week. We rambled all over Oxford on Thursday, despite the pouring English rain. First I took them up in the tower of the University Church of St. Mary because it is AWESOME. Here's Luce with the iconic Rad Cam behind her:

Isn't she beautiful? Here are the girls in the quad of All Souls' College:

And then I took them to G&D's, the best ice cream cafe in the history of the world:

Lucy came to small group bible study at my church, St. Ebbe's, with me Thursday night. It was precious for her to get to meet those girls that I love so much and that have been such an encouragement to me.

She also came with me to formal hall Friday night, and this is us hanging out in the JCR afterwards:

This is fifth week, the week traditionally known for "fifth-week blues." But I had the best fifth week imaginable. Sweet friends rock my world.

"Keep on loving each other as brothers." Hebrews 13:1

the whole earth reverberates the story

2010-02-17T01:53:00.013-06:00

Lucy and I lived life together yesterday. Good times.

Flowers are starting to bloom already in University Parks, which I can't believe! It's the middle of February! Spring always used to be my least favorite season, but I now love it like a normal human being. There is so much spiritual symbolism in spring. I was overwhelmingly reminded yesterday of the significance of spring in the Chronicles: when spring finally begins to shatter winter in Narnia, it's because Aslan has returned. It's a reminder that though he had gone away, and some people had given up hope that he would ever return, he comes back, and joy and life for the whole world comes with him. As always, Aslan is only a dim reflection of Jesus, who is no longer here walking on earth with us as a human. But when I see the snowdrops pushing up through the wet dirt, I remember him. And it makes me ache for him. I miss him, I miss his physical presence, in a weird and unexplainable way; how do you miss something you never had? But I can't wait until he comes to live with us again.

"Let us acknowledge the LORD;
let us press on to acknowledge him.
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:3

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'" Revelation 21:1-4

lucy gets here today!!

2010-02-15T01:44:00.002-06:00

And there will be much rejoicing in Oxford.

"Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel." Proverbs 27:9

when he shakes his mane

2010-02-08T03:21:00.005-06:00

Melody shared this with me. Best PostSecret I've seen in a long time.

"My lover spoke and said to me,
"Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me.
See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come..."
Song of Solomon 2:10-12a

" Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him.
As surely as the sun rises, he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth."
Hosea 6:3

celebrity lookalike

2010-02-04T02:50:00.006-06:00

Doppleganger week from a non-facebooker:

Myself as the talented, beautiful, and famous Katherine Ebling.

Oh, and for any of you who haven't looked up the meaning of doppleganger, stick it into Wikipedia. It sounds so jolly, but it's really sinister.

"And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty..." Ezekiel 16:14

good labor

2010-02-03T11:34:00.002-06:00

I have a new job. A cafe in Oxford.

There are kind people there.
I'm learning how to make great coffee.
I get to welcome, serve, and nourish people.
All with joy.

How much better does it get?

"I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil— this is the gift of God." Ecclesiastes 3:12-13

come and listen

2010-02-01T10:00:00.016-06:00

Come and listen.
Come and listen to what he's done.

Let me tell you what he has done for me.
Let me tell you what he has done for me,
          he has done for you,
                    he has done for us.

Praise our God, for he is good.

Let me tell you what he has done for me: he has given me life abundant, rich, beautiful in its very normality, a life of loving people, reading books, singing, writing papers, drinking tea, rowing it up, telling stories, riding my bike, taking photos, watching our flowers bloom, listening to music, talking to friends, learning from smart people, eating apples, taking communion.

Not only am I studying at one of the top academic institutions in the world, but also I have gained intimate knowledge of another world besides my own, and have received the broadening of mind that comes with such knowledge. I am growing roots in a church that nurtures and challenges me and wants to help me serve God better. I have new friends here who pray with dedication, who have wicked piano skills, who want to rescue child soldiers, who can cook like crazy, who are passionate about Japan, who are going to make films that change hearts, who listen intently, who are brilliant scientists, who are persistant in love.

And as if that all weren't enough, he has done even more for me:

          When I gave more than I thought I could give financially,
          he provided me with more.

          He is in time growing me into maturity, teaching me how to
          release childish ways.

          He has given me a natural inclination for mercy and gentleness,
          but as I grow up, he is working on the many many things I lack,
          things like courage and self-control and discernment and purity,
          bringing me into all the fullness of the perfection of Christ.

And finally and greatest, he has loved me. He has laid aside his divinity to come live with me and love me. He has forgiven me everything that is wrong with me and is healing everything that is broken in me. He has given me you and you me. He has given me himself. But he has done this not just for me. He has done this for you. He has done this for us.

For all these things and more I praise the one who has loved us.

"Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts. Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced... Sing to the Lord, all the earth; proclaim his salvation day after day. Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples... Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." 1 Chronicles 16:1-12, 23-24, 34

currently feeling: hopeful

2010-01-27T07:54:00.016-06:00

Sixty-five years ago today soldiers of the 60th Army of the First Ukranian Front arrived at the gates of Auschwitz Concentration Camp to liberate the captives. And so in honor of the aching beauty of today, I thought I'd share my Auschwitz story with you. (I went to Prague before Auschwitz, but we'll come back to that later.)

When the Red Army began approaching, the Nazis got nervous and moved about 65,000 of the prisoners held at Auschwitz farther into the Reich. In the months preceding the liberation the Nazis began destroying many of the crematoria and trying to hide the rubble and burn the records. A week before the army arrived they evacuated another 2,000 prisoners by train and 59,000 by forced march. Nine to fifteen thousand of the prisoners died in these death marches, many in mass executions committed along the way. They left behind 9,000 in the camp to be executed, but 7,000 survived until the 26th, when the liberators arrived at the camp. I went to Auschwitz in December and despite my warm clothes, it was freezing. I can't imagine what it was like for those prisoners in January 1945. This is what the army saw when they arrived:

Pulling the story up to 2009, I arrived in the tiny train station at Oswiecim, Poland at 4:30 am. No one in the station spoke English. Darn. However, three Mexican students and a woman from Kazakhstan had gotten off the train as well and thankfully all spoke English and wanted to go to Auschwitz too. The woman from Kazakhstan, Aselya, and I started talking and became instant friends. Aselya deserves a whole story to herself, but let me just give you a glimpse of her.

Aselya Zelenina is from Kazakhstan. But she does not speak Kazakh, only Russian. And English (really really really really well). She is 26, I think. She is married to a guy from Kazakhstan who's ethnically Russian. She has traveled all over the world, some for her business job, but I think some just because her family and/or husband must have money. She is really sweet and confident and well-educated. She is worried about her country. Kazakhstan is increasingly coming under the influence of Iran, which has many dangerous implications, one of which is an increasing anti-Semitism (and anti-Americanism), including disregard for and even disbelief in the Holocaust (thank you Mahmoud Ahmadinejad). So Aselya is working on creating an informative web site about the Holocaust in Kazakh and Russian. She has hired a designer, her mom is helping her translate the Kazakh part, and she was going to Auschwitz to collect content and photos for the site. I admire the fact that she decided to actually do something about the problems that she saw; I admire that a lot.

Anyway, back to the story. We waited in the train station until it was light outside and then tried to navigate our way through town and out to the concentration camp based on a map I'd printed off Google back in the U.K. We made it and Aselya and I went on the incredible tour together with an English guide.

The summary of the day: everything you'd imagine visiting a death camp to be, but ten times more intense than you could have ever imagined. Visiting a concentration camp truly is something that everyone should do if they ever have the tiniest opportunity. It's heavy and aching and insane, but it's right to remember. My friend Luke reminded me that it is written in Ecclesiastes "It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting... the heart of the wise is in the house of mourning."

A concentration camp doesn't feel like a place to take photographs. But I needed to remember. And I want you to be able to see in case you don't ever have a chance to go yourself.

This is the famous entrance to Auschwitz. Everyone's seen it in their history textbook. But it's real. And it's about the most twisted and grotesque motto you could imagine. Arbeit macht frei. Work makes you free.

Some of these brick buildings were used as dormitories, some as jails, some for medical experiments, and so on.

This is a courtyard of death between two buildings. Men and women were led out, lined up against the wall, and systematically shot. Their bodies were then dragged to a pile in the corner and the next round of people were marched out.

This is the gas chamber. You can see the crematorium smokestack rising from the top. This particular gas chamber was only used for one year, but in that year 60,000 people were killed in it. It is a haunting dark cellar into which thousands of people walked and from which they never emerged except as smoke.

Three kilometers from Auschwitz I is Auschwitz-Birkenau, which was built as a massive, efficient death center when the Nazis wanted more killing capacity than they could get at Auschwitz I. And it was certainly efficient. More than 20,000 people could be killed and cremated here every day. Every day. A set of train tracks enters Auschwitz-Birkenau at the front gates and continues all the way to the end of the camp, where the gas chambers and crematoria were located so that the cars that brought prisoners in, just like this one, could more efficiently transport them straight to the death chambers.

When the prisoner were brought into the camp, they were first sorted. About three fourths of them were sent immediately to the gas chambers. The other fourth that remained were those deemed fit for work, and they lived here at Auschwitz-Birkenau and watched the trains come in and the smoke pour from the crematoria, knowing that as soon as they became too weak to work they would join those sent to their deaths. The workers lived in rows of cabins lined up in the vast field that is Auschwitz-Birkenau. These are some of the bunks in one of the women's cabins. Four to five women would be crammed into each bunk.

No one really knows how many people died here. Records were destroyed, and families and entire communities were taken, leaving no one to remember. Estimates range from one to five million people. Which means that up to four million people were so effectively exterminated that not even a name remains.

The beginning of the memorial plaque at Birkenau reads: "Forever let this place be a cry of despair and a warning to humanity..."

But liberation came. And because of this, I have a shred of hope. That one day hatred, death, and brokenness will no longer have power. That we will be rescued. That this too will be made right.

"It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart." Ecclesiastes 7:2

narnia

2010-01-26T14:44:00.018-06:00

Two weeks ago it snowed in my beautiful city. About 6-8 inches, but that's special for Oxford. My neighbor Hannah said it was the most snow she can remember seeing. It was g l o r i o u s.

I feel like a dwarf should have come striding out of this house.

Some unidentified fiend constructed this five-foot diameter ball of snow right in front of our driveway before any of us woke up. Props to him or her for serious early morning action.

I walked through the Parks on my way to college and obviously everyone under the age of 20 had gotten off school:

Everyone in town got into the snowman spirit! I saw two guys in a pickup truck cruising around town with a five- or six-foot snowman in the back of their truck. Somebody else built eight snowmen on the steps of the Martyrs' Memorial. And this chap was in front of Greens Cafe:

My neighbors and I were totally into the snowman building spirit. Until we realized our snowman skillz were weaker than we thought. Our snowman ended up being a snow tower, but it was a victory nonetheless because we got it taller than the boys! :)

Here are Andy and Hannah, who along with Rowena and Andrew, assisted me in this architectural masterpiece:

Oh, and unlike Narnia, this winter did have a Christmas. And I was present for it. I stayed here in Europe instead of going home, so my Christmas day involved lots of cooking, lots of eating, and lots of movies with my sweet friends Karen and Rebekah.

This is the Christmas extravaganza box of joy I got from my family:

And some of the delightful contents:

Domestic goddess whipping up something yummy:

I am absurdly skilled at grating cheese:

Oh golly gosh they are c-ute!

"God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. He says to the snow, 'Fall on the earth,' and to the rain shower, 'Be a mighty downpour.'" Job 37:5-6

how lucky am i

2010-01-21T18:22:00.005-06:00

I get to talk to this beautiful girl on Sunday:

And in three and a half weeks, this special person will be at my house, in my actual physical presence. I can NOT wait. She has been like an older sister to me (As if I don't have enough sisters already!) and my joy is rich because she shares in God's grace with me.

Yep, I am a lucky lucky girl.

"If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" Ecclesiastes 4:10

the british language part three

2010-01-20T03:33:00.004-06:00

nick=steal
whinge=whine
thick=stupid
living out=living off campus
Uni=University
tut=tutorial
in college=on campus
sorted=worked out/organized/settled
reading=majoring in
marks=grades
ring=call
jumper=general category encompassing sweatshirts, hoodies, sweaters, jackets, etc.
literally=we might use seriously. they really don't mean literally at all.
cycle=bike
chuffed=pleased
trackie bums=sweatpants
footie=football
lad="a man who is boisterously macho in his behavior or actions, especially one who is interested in sexual conquest"
laddish=acts like a lad
clever=smart
stroppy=pouty, having a bad attitude
mash=mashed potatoes
mess you around=mess with you
nail varnish=nail polish

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world." Psalm 19:1-4a

this is brno

2010-01-18T05:09:00.036-06:00

Brno is in the eastern half of the country, known as Moravia (Prague is in the other half, Bohemia). It is the second largest city in the Czech Republic, after Prague of course, and is absolutely enchanting. Stunning architecture, delightful Christmas markets, beautiful kind people, and an almost complete lack of tourists. It was incredible and I loved it. I actually enjoyed it far more than Prague, but that's another story for another post.

Let's start at the very beginning ("a very good place to start..."). Luke and I flew into Brno Wednesday evening, and although he likes to joke about women empowerment, he did a good job not taking it too far (a pleasant surprise, Christine Capp) and making sure I didn't get lost, kidnapped, or murdered my first night in a foreign country. I hung out at his dorm for a couple hours, and after he got back from his evening class we found my hostel and I checked in.
That last sentence makes it sounds so simple.
When I arrived, I discovered that the hostel was located over a club/bar, so I had to maneuver my way through the dark, noisy, packed, smokey masses to find the check-in desk. When a guy finally showed up at the desk (really just the corner of the bar), he was nice enough, but when he showed me to my room, the trip there was like something out of a horror movie. The pictures don't quite do it justice, especially since I took them in the daylight later. First he unlocked a large iron gate,

then pulled open a big, creaky, wooden door as the gate slammed behind us. I followed him up two flights of dark stone stairs, past seemingly abandoned rooms to another large iron door, significantly creepier than the first,

up some more stairs, down a hallway, and through the third locked door into my empty room. After he left and I locked the door behind him, I decided that having a room to myself was an unexpected bonus, and that Travis Bradburn would have approved of the fact that he made me unlock all the doors myself so that I would remember which key was for which. :) So overall, despite the creepiness, my second ever hostel experience was positive.

The next afternoon I walked in and met Luke at The Red Brick Church. Seriously, that's what everyone calls it, even the Czech people.

Luke spent the semester studying at Masaryk University:

It is named for T.G. Masaryk, the founder and first president of Czechoslovakia, who is nearly a legend to the Czech people.

We walked around for a while, but he had a lot of work to do since he had been gone visiting for a week and was almost at the end of his semester, so I explored most of the city by myself. I hate traveling by myself at night, but during the day, it's great. You can go anywhere you want, be as nerdy as you like, meander everywhere, all without having to worry about entertaining anyone else.

There are some extravagantly lovely churches in Brno. The St. James' Church (Kostel Sv. Jakuba):

Inside:

And walking back out onto the street:

The Cathedral of St. Peter and St. Paul (Katedrála Sv. Petra a Pavla), which is on the 10 Kč coin, is up on a hill in the middle of town, with magnificent architecture and perhaps the most stunning stained glass I have ever seen (no pictures allowed inside, sorry):

And as viewed from Hrad Špilberk:

Hrad Špilberk is the castle of Brno. It was built in the mid-13th century and has served as royal residence, military fortress, army barracks, and infamous prison for everyone from French revolutionaries to Hungarian Jacobins to Italian patriots to Polish insurrectionists to Czech opponents of the Nazi regime. An ugly history, but a majestic structure:

The castle has intense fortifications,

and a stunning view.

Thursday night Luke took me to his English Christian Fellowship and I met some beautiful Czech Christians who were so kind and had incredible English and became instant friends. I went on an adventure with them Friday night and we climbed The Old Town Hall (Stara Radnice), which was the seat of the local government from the 1200s until 1935.

The front portal has these sweet famous crooked spires about the origins of which there are all kinds of legends:

We also roamed the Christmas markets and went out for traditional Czech food afterwards. Oh, the Christmas markets. The ones in Brno are freaking awesome. Maybe my favorite part. I'm pretty sure no one in Brno works the entire month of December. They just all pack into the city square to leisurely wander around the Christmas market booths, meet friends, drink hot mead with honey, and eat every ridiculous Czech carnival snack you can imagine. It's so fun.

The last day I was there, I walked all the way out to the western edge of the town, where the city is hemmed in by forrested hills as if to hide it from the rest of the world. Staring up at the hills, my imagination began to fly: "Wouldn't it be sweet to go for a hike in the forests of Moravia?" And so I started climbing. I hiked all the way up, picking my way through silent wintery woods until I reached the summit of the nearest hill. It was so beautiful and so peaceful. And so satisfying.

The charm of Brno is beyond what I can describe. There are so many other wonderful things there (the Alfons Mucha museum, the theater, the streets themselves...), but I'll just leave you with a few more pictures in hopes that I can somehow give you a glimpse of the beauty:

" Your father's blessings are greater than the blessings of the ancient mountains, than the bounty of the age-old hills. Let all these rest on the head of Joseph, on the brow of the prince among his brothers." Genesis 49:26

the secret

2010-01-14T03:46:00.006-06:00

I read Lizzy's blog this morning. Liz is one of my dear friends who has a knack for words. Melody does as well. So do Sam Hill and Molly Bryant and Brett Mach. I eagerly read their blogs a little for the content but a lot for the way that they are able to fashion words into thoughts with a skill that reminds me of a glass-maker coaxing sand into glass. Other people certainly write well and interestingly, but these people have this subtle... something. I'll call it a knack.

Liz wrote about her new friend Bob; click here to read it. As I was reading her story of her interaction with this man, I realized that when she chose to give him something, she received way more than she gave. She gave him an apple, he gave her a spiritual insight. Which any skeptical way you look at it is worth more than an apple. Insane.

And I wonder if maybe that's some sort of secret law to the universe that most of us never catch on to because we cling too tightly to what we have and what we want. When you give, you always receive more. Not just in a platitudinal smiley way like it sounds, but as an actual secret scientific law to the universe, a part of the inherent nature of the way it was made. We repeat it because we've heard it from people like our parents or Jesus but we, at least I, probably don't actually really believe it mathematically.

But people who actually do dare to give a lot or everything always testify to it. Amy Carmichael would say so. So would Jim Elliot. And John Wesley agreed.

I've never heard of or read about someone who gave generously, who sacrificed mightily, and regretted it. Maybe they exist and I just don't know them. Maybe their stories don't get famous. But maybe they don't exist? Maybe every single person who has ever tried it knows the secret, but very few of us ever get the guts to try it because we have such a strong instinct to cling, even to tiny things, to accumulate. Saw that in myself in a tiny thing just this morning.

Random thought.

"Give generously to him and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to." Deuteronomy 15:10

"He who gives to the poor will lack nothing, but he who closes his eyes to them receives many curses." Proverbs 28:27

glory hallelujah

2010-01-12T07:09:00.005-06:00

Thank Jesus for Bob McIntyre. My computer has been broken for two weeks; it just wouldn't start up. I tried everything I knew (which isn't much), but to no avail. I brought it in to Bob today and in less than two hours, at no cost to me and with no loss of data, he had it completely fixed. GloryhallelujahpraisetheLord! (:

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:27-34

wisdom

2010-01-08T10:32:00.007-06:00

I thank God for those who walk with Christ in front of me down the path so I can watch their steps. I learn more from them than I think I could ever learn through my own understanding. These two mean a lot to me right now.

"And it always seems that just when daily life seems most unbearable, stretching out before me like a prison sentence, when I seem most dead inside, reduced to mindlessness, bitter tears or both, that what is inmost breaks forth, and I realize that what had seemed 'dead time' was actually a period of gestation." Kathleen Norris, The Quotidian Mysteries: Laundry, Liturgy, and "Women's Work"

"Let him who cannot be alone beware of community. He will only do harm to himself and to the community. Alone you stood before God when he called you; alone you had to answer that call; alone you had to struggle and pray; and alone you will die and give an account to God. You cannot escape from yourself; for God has singled you out. If you refuse to be alone you are rejecting Christ's call to you and you can have no part in the community of those who are called... But the reverse is also true: Let him who is not in community beware of being alone. Into the community you were called, the call was not meant for you alone; in the community of the called you bear your cross, you struggle, you pray. You are not alone, even in death, and on the Last Day you will be only one member of the great congregation of Jesus Christ... We recognize then, that only as we are within the fellowship can we be alone, and only he that is alone can live in the fellowship. Only in the fellowship do we learn to be rightly alone and only in aloneness do we learn to live rightly in the fellowship." Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29

failure

2010-01-06T07:12:00.005-06:00

I went through my phone's address book last night and was overwhelmed by the memories so many names brought up of broken promises, dropped contacts, regrets. Letters I promised that were never sent, phone calls never returned, old friends forgotten, campers not followed up on, projects abandoned, pride getting in the way of relationships, laziness triumphing over love, stupid awkward things I've done, fragile fragile relationships lost, bittersweet memories, people I've lost track of. (How do you lose track of a person, anyway? They're important. Not like a shoe that you can't remember where you put it.)

I realized my word is crud. I have no integrity in small things and so none in big things.

I lose people.

This is terrible.

It's time to make some things right.

"Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.' But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God's throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." Matthew 5:33-37

i am no longer my own but thine

2010-01-04T06:37:00.007-06:00

Put me to what thou wilt,
rank me with whom thou wilt.
Put me to doing,
put me to suffering.
Let me be employed for thee,
or laid aside for thee,
exalted for thee,
or brought low for thee.
Let me be full,
let me be empty.
Let me have all things,
let me have nothing.

I freely and heartily yield all things to thy pleasure and disposal.

And now, O glorious and blessed God,
Father, Son and Holy Spirit,
thou art mine and I am thine.

So be it.

And the covenant which I have made on earth, let it be ratified in heaven.
Amen.

"He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, 'Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.' An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground." Luke 22:41-44

uhhh... okay

2009-12-30T03:35:00.008-06:00

So Monday I was walking around picking up job applications from a couple places in Oxford. Yep, it's that time again: job search. I had noticed that one of my favorite cafes in town was hiring, so I was definitely going to pursue that one, but I figured I should look into as many possible opportunities as I could find. As I was walking through the Covered Market, I noticed an accessories shop that had a neon post-it note in the window "Part-time help required. Enquire within."

Okaaaaay, post-it note advertisement is a little odd, but I'll check it out. I went inside and the woman working was quite excited and immediately called the owner to set up a meeting with me the next day. I asked for an application form, but was told they didn't have one, and I should just bring in a CV if I had one. When I came back the next day, the owner gave me a brief run-down of the job, asked if I had any questions, and offered me the job. No application, no resume, no CV, no references, no interview (well, she asked me my name and how old I was, does that count?). She wanted me to start immediately. As in today.

Okay, that's the weirdest, easiest job I've ever gotten in my life. I receive.

With some conditions, that is. The owner promised all of their bookkeeping is in order. And I let her know that I had several other applications out, and that honestly, I wanted to wait and see how those interviews went. She was so eager for someone to start working that she assured me that if I did the job for a week or so and decided it wasn't for me, I could call her and tell her and it would be fine.

So... I'm going to give this ride a chance. Who knows? Stay tuned.

"All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty." Proverbs 14:23

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." Colossians 3:23-24

this is london

2009-12-28T03:36:00.001-06:00

as seen through the lens of my camera.
Thanks to Ben Lee for the sweet music.

"Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper." Jeremiah 29:7

yes please!

2009-12-27T12:43:00.008-06:00

I have a video of my pictures from London that I've been trying to upload here, but I'm having trouble getting the size down enough that Blogger will accept it.

Until then, if I could live any kind of life, I think this would be the ultimate: click here.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil— this is the gift of God." Ecclesiastes 3:11-14

steep.

2009-12-24T15:16:00.009-06:00

It is advent. YES. That glorious glorious season when we have intentional space to stop and steep in the insaneness of the Incarnation. That is, if we stop.
I love it.

And I love you all. I wish you a beautiful advent.

"I will put my dwelling place among you, and I will not abhor you. I will walk among you and be your God, and you will be my people." Leviticus 26:11-12

"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." John 1:14

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness." Philippians 2:5-7

"Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death- that is, the devil- and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death." Hebrews 2:14-15

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God." Revelation 21:3

whirlwind

2009-12-06T10:37:00.005-06:00

Sixteen days of adventure. That's right. I'm leaving tonight.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday morning: London with my friend Luke and his friend Rebecca.

Wednesday afternoon: fly from London to Brno, Czech Republic with Luke.

Wednesday night, Thursday, Friday: hang out with Luke in Brno, where he's studying this semester at Masaryk University.

Saturday morning: travel to Prague with Luke.

Saturday and Sunday: Prague.

Sunday night: Luke is going back to Brno, I am taking an overnight train to Krakow, Poland, and from Krakow to Oswiecim, Poland.

Monday: Auschwitz concentration camp (outside Oswiecim).

Monday night: night train back to Brno.

Tuesday and Wednesday morning: hang out in Brno with Luke.

Wednesday night: fly from Brno to London, then from London to Dublin to meet my friend Karen and her sister who are traveling around the UK.

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday: travel around Ireland and Wales with Karen and her sister.

Sunday night: arrive back at her sister's house in Reading (near Oxford).

Monday and Tuesday: hang out in Reading with them.

Wednesday: bus back to Oxford to crash at my house.

Will I survive? You'll have to wait sixteen days to find out...

Peace.

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me." Psalm 139:1-5

dag

2009-12-05T13:56:00.005-06:00

William Wilberforce is one of my greatest role models. Why? He saw injustice that broke the heart of God and it broke his heart too. And then he did something about it. He used the gifts God had given him and the position of government entrusted to him to declare the truth of the gospel, giving his life in a painful, prolonged sacrifice to bring freedom for captives and justice for the oppressed. And he served the Lord faithfully to the end of his life.

This week I discovered another incredible person who I want to emulate: Dag Hammarskjöld. He was the Secretary General of the U.N. from 1953 to 1961, when he was killed in a plane crash while on an emergency mission to try to negotiate a cease-fire in the Congo. He did a lot of crazy incredible things in his life (like winning the Nobel Peace Prize), worked tirelessly for peace and justice, and was greatly respected by his peers. But throughout his life, this diplomat also kept a small journal he called a "book concerning my negotiations with myself- and with God." I read part of that book this week, and in it he never once mentions the famous and powerful people he interacted with daily, or the great successes he had. Instead it reflects an astoundingly quiet, humble, thoughtful, simple, sometimes agonized man who intensely longed to do God's will. It is obvious that his incredible public and political life was shaped by the humility and intensity of his love for God and his love for people. I want to be like that.

This sentence from his heart reflects mine as well: "If only I may grow: firmer, simpler, quieter, warmer."

"Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for a man to humble himself? Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed and for lying on sackcloth and ashes? Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the Lord? Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter- when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard." Isaiah 58:5-8

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on my, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor..." Isaiah 61:1-2a

the british language part two

2009-12-04T03:50:00.005-06:00

mates=friends
holiday=vacation
note=bill
diary=planner/schedule
battels=room & board
half two=two thirty (etc.)
pudding=dessert
primary school=elementary school
secondary school=high school
fit=hot
are you all right?=how are you?
cross=angry
creche=nursery
washing up=cleaning up, doing the dishes
spot=bit
fancy=like
sweets=candy
wasp=bee
go off=expire
shattered=exhausted
dodge=sketch
chunder=puke
GP=doctor
ginger=redhead

" Now the whole world had one language and a common speech. As men moved eastward, they found a plain in Shinar and settled there. They said to each other, "Come, let's make bricks and bake them thoroughly." They used brick instead of stone, and tar for mortar. Then they said, "Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves and not be scattered over the face of the whole earth." But the Lord came down to see the city and the tower that the men were building. The Lord said, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other." So the Lord scattered them from there over all the earth, and they stopped building the city. That is why it was called Babel— because there the Lord confused the language of the whole world. From there the Lord scattered them over the face of the whole earth." Genesis 11:1-9

top ten of the last two weeks

2009-12-01T05:20:00.008-06:00

Life is magic. It's a beautiful, wonderful, marvelous, mysterious thing. It's definitely a rough game, and sometimes it freaks me out that it's real. I mean, it seems like a story that I'm reading from the outside and I pity the characters because there's so much uncertainty and they don't have a clue about the true meaning. But then I realize that I can't withdraw out of this terrifyingly uncertain fictional world because... well... it's not fiction. Because I'm stuck inside the story. I'm as limited as the characters I thought I could pity.

So anyway, life freaks me out and makes me feel like my brain is going to explode. But there are some really neat parts, too! Here are my top ten favorite things in the last two weeks:

10. Just being with people. Since I only had one essay to research and write this week, instead of the normal two, I was able to spend more time living life with people and just hanging out, which is precious. I had tea and a beautifully real talk with Alison, my small group leader. I hung out in the chapel for an hour after CU meeting and listened to Chris play the piano and Julia sing all these worship songs that I've never heard before because they're just not as common in the States. I sat in the Spencer House kitchen after a Sunday dinner of Thanksgiving leftovers and just enjoyed the warmth and the idle chatting and the comfortable people. I watched a movie with friends in the JCR, holding a book because it makes me feel better to pretend to do homework even when I'm not really. I had tea with Karen. I had tea with Eric. I had tea with my dear Focus girls. (Yes, me likey tea mucho.)

9. My tutor liked my economics paper. For the first time. Too bad it was my last one. Victory in Jesus! :)

8. I bought plane tickets for the Czech Republic! Luke's coming up to Britain tomorrow and then on the 9th, I'm flying back with him to the Czech Republic. I've wanted to go to Prague for so long; I'm really uber-excited. It's gonna be great.

7. Crumpets. They are divine. Similar to an English muffin, but with a slightly pancakier texture. Toasted. Thank you Rosie for changing my life.

6. Cuppers. This is the Oxford drama competition where all of the plays are directed and performed by freshers. Our very own Marchella Ward not only directed one for Regent's, but also WROTE it. And it was GOOD. Clever, swift, funny, and excellently acted. They really surprised me with how fantastic it was. I loved it! And I think half the student and faculty body of Regent's crammed into the tiny Burton Taylor studio (which I seriously think seats MAYBE forty people) to enjoy it. I love the school spirit, and they were well-rewarded for their time.

5. We took communion at chapel this week and it was beautiful. Everyone who was there gathered around the table and passed the bread and wine to one another. We all tore a piece off the same loaf of bread and took a sip from the same glass of wine, giving grace to one another as we ourselves had received it. I had to fight to keep from laughing with sheer delight as I said "the peace of Christ be with you" to someone because it was so glorious.

4. Turned in my last essay this morning at seven am. Bam. Beat that.

3. Lebanese food. I love experiencing pieces of new cultures. Eric and I were going to go to this Indian place for dinner Saturday night, but when we got there, we decided it was a little too posh for us. There was a Lebanese restaurant across the street, and neither of us had ever tried that before, so, hey, why not? It was good food and sweet fun, but the best part was that part of the menu was in Arabic and I knew three or four of the words. YES. I wish Anna could have been there. Or Rima. They would have been so proud.

2. Annie and Melody & I went to the Ashmolean on Saturday afternoon and it was super sweet. Mostly art and artifacts, but it's a world-class museum and they had some incredible stuff. We were only there for a few hours and I need to go back before I can pick some favorite things.

1. THANKSGIVING. Was amazing. So good. All of us American students at Regent's, plus a few extra friends, brought scads of traditional Thanksgiving food up to Spencer House and enjoyed it together. We ate crazy amounts of food, enjoyed being with one another and just talking and hanging out, and watched a movie. Which was perfect, because really, chilling on a couch with a bunch of friends watching a movie is one of the best ways (maybe one of the only ways) to let your body recover from eating enough food for three days.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." 1 Chronicles 16:34

epic

2009-11-27T06:16:00.005-06:00

So Wednesday afternoon I was cycling home. It was four in the afternoon, so it was already dark, of course, and rush hour, which in Oxford, as in most cities, is the exact opposite of its name. Cars were at a dead stop along the main road, waiting, and I was delighting in my freedom as I flew past them in the cycle lane. I had my bike lights on, so I was completely visible and legal, but it was all in vain. Two university-age boys were standing on the sidewalk ahead of me with their own bicycles, obviously waiting to cross the street, and when I was about five meters away from them, the first, without even looking, stepped in slow motion off the sidewalk into the cycle lane. He looked up just as my cycle meshed with his, literally and dramatically sweeping me off my feet.

"Oh my gosh! I am so sorry! That was all my fault! Are you all right? Are you all right?" I couldn't help myself, laying on the pavement I started laughing. "Yeah, I'm fine. Are you okay?" He carefully helped me up, dismissing my question with a quick nod, "Are you really all right? I am so so sorry! That was completely my fault. Are you really okay? I am so sorry!" (All of this in a charming British accent that matched his charming British looks.)

It was at this point that I failed. I should have asked for his number.
Seriously. If he's going to sweep me off my feet, might as well make it worth it!

But instead I replied, still laughing, "Yes. I'm totally fine. Promise. Don't worry about it. Glad that neither of us got hurt." And continued on my way.

Epic fail. Sigh. Next time...

;)

"If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" Ecclesiastes 4:10

you were all just waiting for it to happen

2009-11-26T09:37:00.004-06:00

I have now officially been swept off my feet by a British boy.

Details to come...
(Shameless cliffhanger, I know. Don't you wish you knew the rest of the story...)

"...God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me." Genesis 21:6b

all the things i am not going to blog about today

2009-11-22T08:13:00.010-06:00

Soon I shall tell you about my weekend. Some bizarre experiences, which may or may not end up being too trippy to put in a blog, but overall, solid good times.

I also have lots of thoughts about God.

And I've got some great photos of Mel & Corey & I's little Hanging of the Green video adventure.

For now, though, I seriously need to write a paper. So I just feel the need to share just a tiny smattering of my favorite Christmas-time things that just don't exist here in England.

Have a sweet Sunday.

I miss Summer Staff reunions. (And I miss T&D's house.)

I miss ignoring studying for finals in The Box.

I miss CUA dances.

I miss bonfires at Kelley's mama's house.

I miss Christmas in Ely.

I miss the part in every single home video my grandmother has ever filmed where the camera is sitting on her lap for at least five minutes before you hear her exclaim: "Oh, is this on?!"

I miss road trips.

I miss pajama church at Kelley's when it's just too icy to get off the Hill on a Sunday morning.

I miss Fine Time Family Christmas.

I miss running around on the square like hooligans.

I miss having too many people at our house to fit around the table.

I miss the Decorating of the Tree in Eaton.

I miss the Secretary of State's office.
That is a lie. I do not miss it at all.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..." Ecclesiastes 3:1

off balance

2009-11-20T12:34:00.004-06:00

I am incompetent at interacting with people today. I don't know when to say something and when to shut up. And when I do talk, or write, or email, I say weird things. And even when I say something true, I can't say it right.
Ulgh. I am a freak.

cracked in a hundred places

2009-11-19T03:49:00.008-06:00

Hey all.
What better way to explain how I feel than to echo the words of my heroine: Anne of Green Gables?

"Anne," said Marilla abruptly, "Miss Stacy was here this afternoon when you were out with Diana."
Anne came back from her other world with a start and a sigh.
"Was she? Oh, I'm so sorry I wasn't in. Why didn't you call me, Marilla? Diana and I were only over in the Haunted Wood. It's lovely in the woods now. All the little wood things- the ferns and the satin leaves and the crackerberries- have gone to sleep, just as if somebody had tucked them away until spring under a blanket of leaves. I think it was a little gray fairy with a rainbow scarf that came tiptoeing along the last moonlight night and did it. Diana wouldn't say much about that, though. Diana has never forgotten the scolding her mother gave her about imagining ghosts into the Haunted Wood. It had a very bad effect on Diana's imagination. It blighted it. Mrs. Lynde says Myrtle Bell is a blighted being. I asked Ruby Gillis why Myrtle was blighted, and Ruby said she guessed it was because her young man had gone back on her. Ruby Gillis thinks of nothing but young men, and the older she gets the worse she is. Young men are all very well in their place, but it doesn't do to drag them into everything, does it? Diana and I are thinking seriously of promising each other that we will never marry but be nice old maids and live together forever. Diana hasn't quite made up her mind though, because she thinks perhaps it would be nobler to marry some wild, dashing, wicked young man and reform him. Diana and I talk a great deal about serious subjects now, you know. We feel that we are so much older than we used to be that it isn't becoming to talk of childish matters. It's such a solemn thing to be almost fourteen, Marilla. Miss Stacy took all us girls who are in our teens down to the brook last Wednesday, and talked to us about it. She said we couldn't be too careful what habits we formed and what ideals we acquired in our teens, because by the time we were twenty our characters would be developed and the foundation laid for our whole future life. And she said if the foundation was shaky we could never build anything really worth while on it. Diana and I talked the matter over coming home from school. We felt extremely solemn, Marilla. And we decided that we would try to be very careful indeed and form respectable habits and learn all we could and be as sensible as possible, so that by the time we were twenty our characters would be properly developed. It's perfectly appalling to think of being twenty, Marilla. It sounds so fearfully old and grown up."

"To think that this is my twentieth birthday, and that I've left my teens behind me forever," said Anne, who was curled up on the hearth-rug with Rusty in her lap, to Aunt Jamesina who was reading in her pet chair. They were alone in the living room. Stella and Priscilla had gone to a committee meeting and Phil was upstairs adorning herself for a party.
"I suppose you feel kind of sorry" said Aunt Jamesina. "The teens are such a nice part of life. I'm glad I've never gone out of them myself."
Anne laughed. "You never will, Aunty. You'll be eighteen when you should be a hundred. Yes, I'm sorry, and a little dissatisfied as well. Miss Stacy told me long ago that by the time I was twenty my character would be formed, for good or evil. I don't feel that it's what it should be. It's full of flaws."
"So's everybody's," said Aunt Jamesina cheerfully. "Mine's cracked in a hundred places. Your Miss Stacy likely meant that when you are twenty your character would have got its permanent bent in one direction or 'tother, and would go on developing in that line. Don't worry over it, Anne. Do your duty by God and your neighbor and yourself, and have a good time. That's my philosophy and it's always worked pretty well."

Sigh. Yep. It is what it is.
I have to admit, I haven't really been excited about a birthday since I turned fifteen. But it's okay. I am at peace (for the moment). It's time to do some more growing up, some more changing and learning and marveling. I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be in another world.
But by the grace of God, I am not what I was.

"From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother's womb you have been my God." Psalm 22:10

"Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and committing yourself firmly to him. This is the key to your life." Deuteronomy 30:19-20a

"May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." I Thessalonians 5:23-24

bow side

2009-11-16T03:22:00.005-06:00

I'm hesitating as to whether or not to write this because I'm afraid one of my rowing buddies might see this. Melody probably will. And I can just imagine her reaction: head tilts to side, face gets really rebuking, no smile, she just says "Really, Megan? Really."

But she'll forgive me...

Rowing this morning was incredible. All the way along the 45 minute walk to the river it was pitch black and storming and wet and a cold wind was gusting like crazy. When we finally got to the boathouse at 6:30 am, and as we prepared and got in the boat, it was still pitch black except for an ominous pink/orange tinge in the sky. The wind was furious, throwing slanting sheets of rain against our faces, the current was frighteningly strong, the water dark and choppy. We could barely hear our coach above the wind. And to top it all off, it was our first time out with all novices and a novice cox. We almost didn't go out, but I'm so glad we did. It was crazy adventurous and exciting, like paddling through floodwaters in a typhoon to rescue some stranded villagers. I was soaking wet, freezing my hands off, strands of hair whipping into my face, tense and nervous and ready to respond to any command from our cox that would keep us from capsizing, an absolute hot mess (as Lex would say) and I loved it.

And here was our reward. As we pulled in to the raft, swung the boat up over our heads (yes, that makes me feel really strong!) and carried it indoors, we realized that morning had come. The winds had died down, the sun was prying its way out from behind a cloud, and a rainbow welcomed us back to dry land.

Here's our wet and tired and beautiful team on the path back, laughing with sheer delight to still be alive. :D

I doubt I'm athletic enough to keep rowing after novice season, but I'm not sure how I'm going to give it up. I love this sport.

"That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, 'Let us go over to the other side.' Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, 'Teacher, don't you care if we drown?'
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, 'Quiet! Be still!' Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to his disciples, 'Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?'
They were terrified and asked each other, 'Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!'" Mark 4:35-41

pretension

2009-11-09T05:27:00.005-06:00

I just used the word "multitudinous" in an essay.
Bam.

"Do not keep talking so proudly or let your mouth speak such arrogance..." 1 Samuel 2:3a

undivided

2009-11-08T08:19:00.007-06:00

May your voice be louder,
may your voice be clearer than all the others.
Than all the others.

May your face be dearer,
may your words be sweeter than all the others.
Than all the others in my life.

Please keep my eyes fixed on you;
please root my heart so deep in you.
Keep me abiding.

"My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning." Psalm 130:6

lucky

2009-11-07T04:25:00.008-06:00

I have the stellarest nephews and nieces in the world. It makes my heart sad that I don't get to spend much time with them, as my sisters and I are spread out all over the world at this point. But I am in love with them. They are extravagantly beautiful and funny and precocious and delightful. They are my favorite people in the whole world.

Trevor:

Lillian:

Clara:

Benjamin:

Luke:

Also, speaking of love and beauty and photographs, I had a delightful surprise yesterday. I enjoy following Jeremy & Ashley Parsons' photography blog because they have mad skills and an eye for magical beauty. Yesterday, when I checked in to see if they had any new shoots up, what should come up but Jimmy & Lindsay's engagement photos! They are beautiful, almost as beautiful as Lindsay and Jimmy! Check it out: http://wearethebloggers.com/?p=1078

And two final bits of news:
~Will we ever get another roommate?? No. The girl who was supposed to move in with us "found other accommodations." I take that to mean she didn't want to live with us. I'm not resentful at all...
~Will we ever get internet?? Yes! But not until at least November 17th. Let me tell you, untangling the webs of communication and responsibility at this school has been quite a feat. We have finally found someone competent, however, to handle this issue for us. Wahoo!!!

I'm off to watch the kick-off match of the autumn rugby internationals: England v. Australia! See ya later!

"The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy." Psalm 126:3

all this beauty

2009-11-06T04:24:00.012-06:00

There's not much news in my life. I've pretty much just been in the library all day every day for the last week. Yep. But here's that exciting place so you can see it!

And here's what the rest of the library looks like:

So exciting, I know. And here's my view out the window:

So that's all the news in my life!
The end.

Just kidding.
Here are some other important places in my life you should see. Those of you who've spent time in Oxford can look and reminisce...

These are the Exam Schools where I have all of my lectures every week:

I actually only have one lecture I have to go to every week, but why limit yourself to one when there's a million crazy interesting subjects that I could be learning from really smart people? Well, I guess maybe if you wanted to avoid the label of "nerd"... But I've been going to some great lecture series that are fulfilling my thus-far thwarted desire to take religion classes at Jewell: The Gospel of John, History of Israel, Doctrine Before Nicea, The Christian Doctrine of Creation, and Liturgy, as well as Comparative Government and Plato's Republic. Oh yeah. So they're pretty much like normal classes in the U.S. except for the fact that they're at Oxford, so of course they're in some crazy cool building like the Exam Schools and of course they're in huge impressive lecture halls:

This is the street I ride my bike down every day to get to the Exam Schools: High Street (affectionately known by locals as "The High"):

Not going to lie, I feel really cool riding my bike around town. I think it helps me blend in. Here are some of the sights to see on the way there. First of all: Blackwell. I have gushed about Blackwell before, so I'll just say that it is to bookstores as the National Cathedral is to churches. I know it doesn't look that impressive on the outside, but on the inside, it goes on FOREVER:

And here's the Rad Cam, the classic icon of Oxford:

It's used to house books for the Bodleian.
Moving a little closer to home, this is the road we live on:

And here's the grocery store we shop at in Summertown. We actually live closer to Summertown on Banbury Road than we do to City Centre. Anna would like this place...

Moving towards Regent's, here's a sweet cemetery I like to hang out at:

And here, just for De, is the Eagle and Child. Yes, Regent's Park College is immediately behind it. Incredible.

De, if you come visit me, I'll take you there... pleeeease??
Regent's Park is a relatively new college. The organization that eventually became RPC was started in 1752, and the college didn't move to this location until the 1920s. But it's still beautiful, albeit in a very different way from the huge impressive colleges. Here's our quad:

Melody took a few pictures when we were down at the river for rowing practice the other morning. Here's the river at 6:45 am:

It's magical. We walk back through Christ Church Meadows along this path. That's Christ Church College at the end, well-beloved by all Harry Potter fans:

And here's Christ Church on the left and a distant Magdalen College tower on the right:

All this beauty... you might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide.
All this beauty, we traveled all night.
We drank the ocean dry, and watched the sun rise...

"He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men..." Psalm 107:7-8